Thursday night I went out and had my final Thursday Night Beers at the local brewery with a number of people from work. Got a little lit up and was more than ready to continue the ballyhoo, so we made our way over to The Office. There were a number of people from the brewery at the place including a drunken cougar/biker (spandex and water bottles, not drunken fatty at Sturgis) that was flirting with my Mexican prior to us changing boozing establishments. After a quick pep talk Mex was ready to pounce, but sadly he conversed with her as though he wanted to formally court this beast of the woods. I then took it upon myself to speed up the night’s entertainment.
(Foreword: this dialog is as I remember it…under the influence of drinks that make “hooowwss we gunnnner geeet yyyeeeew into tarrrmeeaaany” sound a lot like “how about we get you out of these wet clothes and into a dry martini” to me.)
Me: I’ll bet you are just about in heaven right now sitting between a strong, clean-cut Mexican and a sexy stoner surfer.
Biker: Oh god ya! Are you guys single?
(I LOVE when someone shows me their hand prior to playing a game of cards. She might as well say "I'm yours to toy with for the remainder of the night".)
Me: Hell ya we are!
Biker: You have to stay that way! Never commit!
Me: Lady, you are preaching to the converted…
From here on out I’m not exactly sure on the order of things happening, but luckily I wrote a couple things down prior to going to sleep for blogging purposes in the morning.
Me (to biker): If you want a slow and passionate kisser who is a romantic lover, Mex is your man. But if you want a kisser that bites and a sexual ninja that brings “…a box of toys that you’ll enjoy, feathers to tease, vibrating stuff, a pair of cuffs and anal beads”, well then I’m your man.
Biker: I OWN ANAL BEADS! I’ve never used them, but I want to try!
(I knew that song was going to pay off someday!)
Biker: Do you just stuff them in and then yank them out?
Me: Damn lady! You aren’t starting a mower...your goal is to orgasm!
This sort of nonsense went on for quite a while and I finally went home and left the cougar in the caring hands or Rico Suave (Mex), but not before sending her a naked pic of myself (for future collecting) and setting up a nooner for my last full day in Ham-town.
I went home and wrote down a number of the things I wanted to make sure to get into my blog. They all made sense to me, even though they were written in cryptic drunken scribe. Well, all of them but one…it was just the word “Prison”. Holy fuck, what the hell was I trying to tell a future/sober version of me!?!? I still haven't a clue...
That night I sent a text to my Lawyer: Should have good coug blogging material for tomorrow
He replied: DON’T TEASE ME BRO!
Thanks Lawyer, I laughed myself to sleep
1 comment:
What the hell are anal beads? oh my mistake...should I have capitalized that? No thanks. But I do like the idea about the "dry martini"
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