Trippin...Road Style

All in all a strong weekend was had. Lots of good drinking mixed with a strong smoking undertone and a sexual bouquet of other pleasantries. Weekend highlight was the trip from the Lawyer’s sweet pad to Hooligans. Halfway through that walk we took a little bathroom break at the Crown Plaza 3^rd floor bathrooms next to all of the reception/celebration areas. To streamline this process we decided that 3/5 of us should use the dudes’ room, and 2/5 of us use the “with-ovaries” room.

Lawyer, Nurse and Mexican used the dudes’ and MBSE and I used the chicks’ room. Boy did I draw a lucky straw on that one! Those guys totally missed out on a badass handicap stall sexual showdown (luckily I never leave home without my pistol).

Being the sexual ninja that I am, I was able to survive her initial attempt to use super-human sucking powers to steal my man-weapon. From there I was able to jiu-jitsu my way to her back and use thrusts of rhythm and power to deplete her sexual energy levels. I knew I was close to defeating her, and if it was anybody else I could have easily sunk in a choke for the finish. There was only one problem; my hands were completely occupied with the task of controlling her machine-gun jubblies. Typically this wouldn’t be a problem given the average size of mammary machine gunnery, but I was dealing with two .50 caliber barrels of life ending force. I had no choice. I needed to finish her or fall defeated. So I bit her. …right above the shoulder blade. She let out a scream and I knew that it was do or die time. I quickly spun her around while she was still in her depleted state and gave her the option to take the Kirk Cobain route or I would finish her off myself. She put the barrel in her mouth and, without a single blink of the eye, pulled the trigger.

If I had an instructor, I’m sure he would have promoted me to blue-belt.

The rest of the night was a pretty damn good time. Lots of booze and shenanigans at Hoolies, mixed in with the people that I try to steer clear of. Yep, I’m talking about Bryan “Uncle Sam” Blanco and Ryal’s girl.

Ryal’s girl did the standard attempt to jump my bones regardless of the fact that I was drooling over my delightfully hot and baggage free girl all night. Don’t worry though; someday I’ll be drunk/bored enough to get myself in trouble with that mom.

Bryan did his standard hyena performance: MBSE and I were trying to get the Mexican to feel her cans, and then from out of left field Bryan comes in for his free groping. This has nothing to do with me caring that he is grabbing her boobs. We got a lot of people to touch them that night. It’s just that he was way too close to my hater-free zone. I realize that this is very un-Tsao of me to hold some of these grudges, and I should take some time to let go. I have issues with the Gov. I don’t like blind obedience. What can I say?

I’ll now wrap this all up with an old joke that I just made up: What’s the difference between a US soldier and a date-rapist? The US soldier…is…well, he can…ummm…it’s just that the soldier will…I quit, I have no idea what the difference is.