Trippin...Road Style

All in all a strong weekend was had. Lots of good drinking mixed with a strong smoking undertone and a sexual bouquet of other pleasantries. Weekend highlight was the trip from the Lawyer’s sweet pad to Hooligans. Halfway through that walk we took a little bathroom break at the Crown Plaza 3^rd floor bathrooms next to all of the reception/celebration areas. To streamline this process we decided that 3/5 of us should use the dudes’ room, and 2/5 of us use the “with-ovaries” room.

Lawyer, Nurse and Mexican used the dudes’ and MBSE and I used the chicks’ room. Boy did I draw a lucky straw on that one! Those guys totally missed out on a badass handicap stall sexual showdown (luckily I never leave home without my pistol).

Being the sexual ninja that I am, I was able to survive her initial attempt to use super-human sucking powers to steal my man-weapon. From there I was able to jiu-jitsu my way to her back and use thrusts of rhythm and power to deplete her sexual energy levels. I knew I was close to defeating her, and if it was anybody else I could have easily sunk in a choke for the finish. There was only one problem; my hands were completely occupied with the task of controlling her machine-gun jubblies. Typically this wouldn’t be a problem given the average size of mammary machine gunnery, but I was dealing with two .50 caliber barrels of life ending force. I had no choice. I needed to finish her or fall defeated. So I bit her. …right above the shoulder blade. She let out a scream and I knew that it was do or die time. I quickly spun her around while she was still in her depleted state and gave her the option to take the Kirk Cobain route or I would finish her off myself. She put the barrel in her mouth and, without a single blink of the eye, pulled the trigger.

If I had an instructor, I’m sure he would have promoted me to blue-belt.

The rest of the night was a pretty damn good time. Lots of booze and shenanigans at Hoolies, mixed in with the people that I try to steer clear of. Yep, I’m talking about Bryan “Uncle Sam” Blanco and Ryal’s girl.

Ryal’s girl did the standard attempt to jump my bones regardless of the fact that I was drooling over my delightfully hot and baggage free girl all night. Don’t worry though; someday I’ll be drunk/bored enough to get myself in trouble with that mom.

Bryan did his standard hyena performance: MBSE and I were trying to get the Mexican to feel her cans, and then from out of left field Bryan comes in for his free groping. This has nothing to do with me caring that he is grabbing her boobs. We got a lot of people to touch them that night. It’s just that he was way too close to my hater-free zone. I realize that this is very un-Tsao of me to hold some of these grudges, and I should take some time to let go. I have issues with the Gov. I don’t like blind obedience. What can I say?

I’ll now wrap this all up with an old joke that I just made up: What’s the difference between a US soldier and a date-rapist? The US soldier…is…well, he can…ummm…it’s just that the soldier will…I quit, I have no idea what the difference is.

Collectors

I have a friend. We won't use any names, but this friend is a she...in London...and I'm not calling Ryan a girl. She is what I call an emotional collector. Someone that desires to be the focal point of men's casual and sexual thoughts. The type of person that loves to be adored as if she were a princess, and sadly she gets this adoration.

I'm not saying that wanting to be showered in affection is wrong, it's just that it leads to a lot of selfish desires. Because once you get what you want without having to work for it long enough, it becomes the routine and in turn becomes expected. Tsao is now going to adopt some remarks from a good man named Gandhi that I feel are applicable to this behavior.

When Arun Gandhi last saw his famous grandfather, the old man gave the boy a piece of paper with this list of mistakes that lead to violence:

* Wealth without work
* Pleasure without conscience
* Knowledge without character
* Commerce without morality
* Science without humanity
* Worship without sacrifice
* Politics without principle

I feel that this can be applied on a micro-sized life level as well: *adoration without empathy.

Once you are a collector of people's attention and adoration, the seed of jealousy and anger is planted. No more will you be able to enjoy the company of other sexy females, as they are now in the "competition" category. They are just somebody that stealing the spotlight of affection from your stage.

Bottom line: If you want somebodies attention, you can go about it many different ways. I highly suggest you take the Tsao road and earn it...just like the other girls...send out nude pics.




...and no baby bird, I will not get you a glass of water.

Mr. Roboto

I think I just had a 13^th Floor moment.

My computer and I are living the exact same work life. Let me see if I can break it down without sounding too geeky.

Clearly, I am the processor. Every bit of information from an I/O (colleague, boss, client, etc) must be directed through me for routing purposes. My maximum number of simultaneous tasks is limited by the speed at which I can work.

The filing cabinets and the reference binders are my hard drive. It is my storage capacity for any file or other info that I will need to call upon or reference. Once the binders are full and the filing cabinet can hold no more, they must buy more storage space.

My desk is my RAM. It is the limiting factor of how many tasks I can have open at any given time (blog, QC monitoring panel, Pharmadule validation project and breakfast at the current moment). Less RAM (read: desk space) would make me as worthless as an Apple LC II, as it would mean that I would have to shut down some of these processes. Let me point out that there isn’t a chance that I’m going to shut down the blogging or the biscuits and gravy. Also, adding a shit-ton of RAM wouldn’t benefit me much as well, due to the fact that my processor would be pegged at 100% long before full RAM usage.

There are a couple other silly me vs. CPU comparisons (ie. my pen acting as my printer and this Xyience can’t possibly be seen as anything other than my power cable), but it wasn’t until I was watching my CPU Usage History (CRTL+ALT+DEL) that I discovered I AM MY COMPUTER!

Here are a few graphs I’ve pulled from my comp throughout the day in emphasize similarities:

Figure 1

Sure looks a LOT like my brain activity while chatting with people on gmail. I’m not thinking about work a whole lot (8% I guess), but there are a couple times it spikes up. We can safely assume that longboarding, skiing or rafting just came up in conversation.

Figure 2

Chattin away and then that all too familiar sound comes tapping down the hallway: BOSSES FOOTSTEPS!

“Oooohhh Shit! Close chat, move excel window to the front, pick up a piece of paper and wipe that silly grin off your face Thullbery! It’s go time!”

Minute and a half later…

Kevin: boss just left, we can chat again

I think I’m going to go longboard tonight

PIC: they are sweeping the streets here already

Figure 3

This can only mean one thing. My phone vibrates, I open it up…

BICKETYBAM!

Sacred Is This Temple

In high school I heard a catholic say "Tattoos are a sin". She then proceeded to explain how our bodies are our temple, and god (Take that catholic schools! That's right...I'm beyond putting a capital "G" on your crutches name) sees a tattoo as "desecrating the temple". I didn't think about it at the time, but this person was very large. I mean really large. The type of large that pulls the buns off of a double Whopper and replaces it with Krispy Kreme donuts (bacon and double cheese).

How the fuck do these people get off thinking this garbage?

I don't know of many people whose "temple" gave out on them because of graffiti. I do know of a few whose demise was at the hands of heart disease though.

Perhaps she is thinking on a level that is higher than Tsao:

Step 1) Grow your temple to cathedral proportions.
Step 2) ?
Step 3) One way ticket "Home"

Hmmm...Seems like a waste of even an "interim life". I think I'll stick with Tsao.

Poor Structural Integrity

I like how Tsao is a belief system of change (Granted I made it up, so I ought to like it). A dynamic infrastructure of neuron synapses in a world of rigid dogma. When your mind is forced to change, bend and adapt, it becomes much better at that. It shares many similarities to muscles in this sense. A muscle that only does one thing repeatedly is only very good at doing that one task, while a muscle that is worked in a dynamic set of movements strengthens for a variety of tasks. Muscles that only use a portion of their intended range of motion become rigid and resistant to movements outside of their typical range. Our brains tend to follow a similar path.

This holds true for training our brains as well. Take any repetitive motion activity: I'll use pinball...as it is the preferred game of the Tsao gods. When you first start playing the game, you are a "natural" if you have a trigger tolerance of around a 1/4 second, but still the balls go blasting in every direction you could ever hope they wouldn't. You think you have it dialed in, only to watch it drop into the power plant bumpers then straight into the garbage. As you work at it more and more you learn timing, technique and above all muscle memory. After only a few drunken basement nights you'll have that dialed to the hundredth of a second and shouting things like "5 shots to Moe's then the Treehouse!", "Don't worry about that ball, the couch is empty, so the garage will open back up!", etc, etc, etc.

People never question me when it comes to getting better at pinball. I say "you'll get better with practice" and they believe me. But as soon as I tell people about my Tsao beliefs on anger and jealousy they say "But I'm not like that! I get angry and jealous." (or something like that). Behaviors are simply the brains "muscle memory" of a particular thought put into action.

"Pinball exercise" for your life: Watch how other people react to a situation. Evaluate whether or not they came across as a total ass clown or not. Look at how you handle similar situations. Are you that ass clown? Remember, nobody thinks they themselves are a jack-ass during an argument.

Think of how you want to act, then act that way. Too many people act then justify their behaviors as correct.

I've been looking at how I come across during potentially ninja situations, and whether or not I need to do a sit down and reformat that particular methodology.

(Editor's note: Right here is where I was going to put the video of me scaling the Bitterroot Inn's 3rd floor balcony, but on my first trial run I seemed to have pulled the railing out of the wall. No injuries, but I'm almost CERTAIN somebody owes me money. If not for the dangerous living environment, then at the very least for the lack of sweet hot tub. This is seriously killin my game...)

Sit Down, Have A Smoke And I'll Tell You About Lost Trail

Stoned, well rested and ready to type. Because as any lawyer worth his law school tuition will tell you, "after a hard days skiing, it is important to get at least 13 hours of sleep".

Side note: That is the ONLY type of lawyer with whom I will hang out.

Yesterday was sick to quite sick. It was the last part in a 3 part series of a slope style contest and rail jam, and Lost Trail has a BADASS park team. They keep four parks going. A bunny hill, kiddie, mid-sized and a huck your meat like a man park. They all change shape and form on a weekly basis and virtually all of the jumps/transitions are cut well. The rail jam got kickin at about 11am...the same time I finally made it up to the mountain and on my first lift.

I have no idea how good a single one of the kids is. I went directly to the cliffy/steep (montana) part of the mountain. I then rode close to 10" of untracked, shade protected, 25 degree, fish scale quality powder.

I brought my dugout and was enjoying the finer things in life about once a chair lift when I thought to myself:

Damn! I've already blown the chip on my pedometer after making a record setting number of turns in the nar pow pow, but I still have 3 laps I can make if I hustle my runs!

Slams a Moutain Dew

I should call K2 and tell them that they can rip up Seth Morrison's contract because of the sick set of 11s that I'm going to lay down Elk Ridge!

Shoots video with cell phone using the EXTREME technique of putting two poles in one hand:


I expect that shot will open the next Poor Boyz video.

I'm also really glad that I didn't break my phone like a jack-ass. That entire ridge is filled with 5-15 ft drops followed by a sick little pow runout.

I continued this all day. Every single run was first tracks. $31 lift ticket. Perfect bluebird skies.


I love Lost trail!


I also love when girls tell me where they want me to load.


That takes sex from its normal party status and adds a bit of video game factor to the mix. "Am I going to hit my target?! Will there be injuries?! How many extra lives do I get?!" There are so many fun and exciting places to blast those ropey jets of jizz. But my favorite place is the one that she requests. Here is a list of some of my favorite I want you to cum: "...on my ass", "...on my tits", "...on my face", "...in my mouth. I LOVE the taste of you!" and my favorite "...deep in my ass!". But never in the Squish Mitten! Homey don't play that!

MBSE told me that cums taste very different. That she really likes the taste of me and some guys have made her gag. We need to find out what causes this, and then make a pill that makes your man juice to taste good. We're sitting on a gold mine here. Think about it...every time your rocket is ready to launch, she will want her mouth to be the launch pad. Maybe I'm the only one that loves to watch a girl drink it in, but even if you don't, you've got to admit that clean-up is easier than 10-tee.

Investing In My Future

I've been saving some dollars for a while with two main objectives in mind: Start an investment and have some money for the "what if" scenario. For the investment part, I was thinking maybe put some money into the stock market. You know...let my money start working for me (or at least pay for the random female cable bills I've acquired). The "what if" scenario pretty much is a what if Kevin...

a) Finds out he isn't as good at drifting the Lost Trail pass as once anticipated.
b) Finds out that X-t's boyfriend tested out his new 8 iron on the windshield of the STi.
or
c) Finds out his employer knows about the copious amount of time spent blogging instead of system testing and is released into the market as a "free agent".

I did some soul searching and really milled it over on which path to take with this extra wad of money. It wasn't until I asked myself WWTD (what wouldn't Tsao do), that I was able to really align my life with this cash. I needed to let go...

So let go I did. I bought a fucking raft. Not just any Big Bear Sports raft either. I bought a Maravia New Wave 1. This boat is to rafting, what the Benz CL65 AMG is to cars. PIMP.

I bought the boat from Sunshine Sports in Billings because I used to work there and the owner is able to do special requests to the factory. All New Waves are blue...mine is going to be orange. New waves don't have inside D-rings or outside handles...mine will. W00t w00t!

My boat will look something like this.

I have no idea what that money could have been used for in the future, but I'll bet that it isn't as cool as a raft. Here is a little preview of things you should expect to see on this blog in the coming 5-6 months:

-Story of a boat full of naked people getting drunk
-Pictures of my boat (with and without naked people)
-Story of me picking up the boat in Boise and floating with my partner in crime
-A story(s) about the exceptional sex I've been having in my boat (Kevin crosses fingers)

I guess all I really need now is a sweet waterproof case that has some foam in it.



It's for my weed pipe.

Against Logic There Is No Armor Like Ignorance.

"Where are WE going?" "How do you define US?" "Is this relationship going anywhere?" ...these are all terrible questions and they need to be stopped. Now! What happened to running questions through a brain filter prior to releasing them to the vocal press.

When somebody asks me one of these questions, they might as well be saying "You know what? You just aren't cutting it at your current state. Perhaps you will take your roll as boyfriend a bit more seriously than you are currently taking your role as almost-boyfriend". Why is there such a desire to "progress" the relationshit? What drives this need?

I think a lot of my beef with Judeo-Christian beliefs, along with many other organized sets of beliefs, is that they define an end. Well, not exactly that they define an end, but rather that they define an obtainable, finite end. Mathematically speaking, they define limits. A start and a stop, beyond which, nothing is taken into consideration. I on the other hand believe that, while this does make life a bit more tangible, it also destroys the imagination.

I’m now going to make “running a marathon” my metaphorical bitch: A runner in a race has a defined goal. Start when the race starts, travel a defined distance, do it faster than the others. Many people I know treat life the same way. Finish school, get a job, wife, then family, and do it better than the rest of your monkey sphere. I feel having this reachable, finite end instills a sense in the believer that upon obtaining it, the believer will have fulfilled part of a life journey.

Tsao takes a different approach. Tsao is as infinite as the universe. Tsao can only be limited by ones understanding of Tsao.

Many people think of infinity as a line that never stops. And while this is true, it is also limiting the definition (Limiting infinity…funny. Oh wait, math isn’t funny. My bad), because anything that can be divided, can be divided an infinite number of times. This includes 2D and 3D objects, a distance (a section of a line can be divided into an infinite number of points), or an angle (a 90 degree turn has an infinite number of angles between it and a 0 degree angle). This holds true for life as well. Life isn’t a binary decision of good path or bad path, it is a decision to live binarily or not. To limit your brain in order to focus on a task, or to keep open the infinite paths in a world of possibilities.

Before I ramble too much, I’d like to pull back to the relationshit point I was attempting to make. When running a race you focus on that race in order to be good at it. When racing the relationshit race, you focus on finding a partner to help complete you. When Tsaoing your way through life you focus on who you are as an already complete person (albeit a touch unrefined) and how you can make the best of what is and what is going to be. Don’t stop and smell the roses, only to continue down the same purpose driven path. Stop to smell the roses and realize that the finish line isn’t an end-all answer. The race is.

Tsaolationship (The Song)

These are the lyrics from a song that I wrote in order for my brother and I to tag-team some female after a drunken bon-fire. Lake place, guitar, sack 'o wine, set of condoms and a set of brothers. We were set! Then my uncles had to read his blog and get all hifey. Damn...

(Verse 1)
We want to get down, the two of us and you
If you got a couple friends, you ought to bring them too
Don't believe the christian right, when they say that you're wrong
Just listen to the words that are in this song

We're a couple naughty monkeys, albeit quite smart
Got a pocket full of rubbers, all doin our part
We can't be havin any babies or no S-T-D's
Just a night full of group, ecstasy

(Chorus)
We're two naughty dudes: Good, Giving and Game
Down for whatever, hope you're down for the same
I see a railroad crossing, don't act so tame
Some call it Amtrak....

We're two naughty dudes: Good, Giving and Game
Down for whatever, hope you're down for the same
I see a railroad crossing, don't act so tame
Some call it Amtrak, we call it the train!

(Verse 2)
Got a box of toys that you'll enjoy, feathers to tease
Vibrating stuff, a pair of cuff and anal beads
Real playas ain't haters, out for number one
Their friends are there, so don't just stare, and join the fun

I think that's it, my list is legit
Sure hope there isn't anything, that I forget
If I've forgotten something, just bring it along
To the cabin for the stabbin, right after this song

(Repeat Chorus)

March Meat Madness

$50 says that boneless skinless chicken breast make it to the final 4.

'87...What A GREAT Year

All around, I had a fan-flippin-tastic weekend! But I guess I pretty much knew that was going to be the case, because MBSE came to visit.

MBSE is, without a doubt, the sexiest female in my life! Hands down...
Ass like POW, lips like Ohhhh, chest like BAM! All of this adds up to a good looking girl, but it is her attitude that sets her apart from the eleventybillion other females with whom I want to get my dick wet. She is a Tsaoist!

When I originally met her she didn't know she was. I didn't even know at that time, as the belief system was in its infancy (it is still, and always will be, progressing). Plus she was also only 18 and not yet wise to the ways of the spiritual world...(ah hell, I'll give that one a double plus "++")

Here are some of her highlights:
1)Doesn't want anything to do with growing a baby in herself.
2)Does not require 100% exclusivity with me.
3)ONLY wants the desirable parts of a relationship.

Point #1: Now this, in and of itself, is enough for me to think a girl is pretty hot, but the effect of this belief is what is gilding the lily. Birth control is not 100% effective, but that cum has to go somewhere (I don't fill up the vajayjay. I'm not a betting man). This is where it gets fun...I LOVE SKEETING!...SHE LOVES ME SKEETING! Side note definition: Skeeting, verb, gilding the lily (hot girl), shining the shit (other).

The way MBSE wants my man-juice is hot too. Sometimes before we are even together I'll get a text: "My boobies haven't had your cum on them in a while..." Damn! Sometimes I'll be mid coitus and she'll just declare that she wants my sperm-soup in her mouth. Hot Damn! But my favorite usually happens when I'm doin the dirt doggy-style and she mutters through orgasmic gasps for air that she wants me to "cum in her ass". GOD DAMN! I SAID GOD DAMN!

This weekend was no different. She had told me earlier in the week that she wanted me to fuck her in a public place. Hard. While bending her over something. Being the gentleman Tsaoist that I am, I picked her up in Missoula and we drove out to Blue Mountain Rec Area. We got out of the car, I bent her over the hood, lifted up her sarong and got down to business. A couple cars came by, but hesitate we did NOT! Finally I'm ready to erupt, so she spins around and drops down and takes it like a Japanese dude in a hotdog eating contest. I was watching her, but took the time to look up...sure enough, there is a car about 50 yards away cummin straight at us...lights on bright. Did I flinch? Hell no! I took that opportunity to just let it go and enjoy my 5 seconds of fame as the guy getting blown in a parking lot in somebody else's story.

Point #2: This is my favorite part of MBSE's belief in Tsaoism. Mainly because it allows me to retain my independence. Nothing makes my mind want drop a deuce on my life more than a codependent (fuck you Kiki, I'm bangin a GILF). I can't stand a girl that thinks she can start making my decisions because she let me go deep a couple of times. "Hey Jonnie, last time I checked you were having more orgasms per lay than me, so let's quit pretending that you are doing me some sort of sex-favor. I'm not your indentured servant!"

MBSE is the first girl that I've gone against my "originally ingrained brain patterns of being in a relationship" (read: instinct), and just did whatever I wanted. If I want to not call her all day, and instead go longboarding for hours on end...no prob. If I'm going to get shitty drunk and watch fights until the wee hours of night and never look at my phone...no prob. I never return to a cell phone that is packed with "where are you" texts. And the flip side of that coin holds true for me as well. If she doesn't answer a text for a couple of days, I don't go chasing her down to find out what she is up to. Ain't my business, ain't my problem.

Point #3: Relationships (pronounced relationshits in Tsao) can be the anti-poon. Nothing will turn a raging boner into a wet noodle faster than muddying up the preverbial sexy pond with a hefty load of Luis Vuitton grade A baggage. Luckily for me, MBSE packs light. Usually just a pair of sandals, a sarong, some support for her beautiful bouncy natural boobs and a glass dildo (Ask me about the wonders of glass. Seriously. Greatest idea ever).

When I want to be with her I give her a call, and she does the same towards me. When either of us wants to do something else, we need not "check in" or verify that it is ok to do. It is like a crazy Daft Punk remix of "Being Single" and "Relationshit". The kind of song where you think both of the original songs are pretty good, but the mash up is blowing your friggin mind!

Spoiler Alert!
The song is called "Tsaolationship"
Lyrics on my next post.

Moving on...

MBSE. My favorite. End of story.

Honesty to Oneself (just let go and do your thang)

Living in a hotel is funny. And awesome. And funny and awesome.

X-tina (hotel employee) is a very large contributor to my daily amusement at the MTv Spring Break Beach House, Hamilton Montana (read: hotel). She is a bitchy, sassy, loud-mouthed Texan that has been living here for the last 8 months. She talks shit to customers, hangs up on people she doesn't want to reserve rooms for (which can be anybody. for any reason. including: "not liking the sound of their voice!" to "don't they know I'm tired and over-worked?"), watches TV on the clock and takes naps in empty hotel rooms. She has a boyfriend and for both of them this is the first relationship where they aren't cheating on their significant other. ...and until January when I moved into that place, she was in control of that show.

But since then, it has been a string of entertaining events and total lose of pois and control. Here are some of my favorites...

-1st day at the MSBBH, HM: I'm standing behind a person in line at the hotel and she is very quickly and effortlessly checking him in. He gets checked in and it's my turn. Right away her cheeks get flush and she gets shaky hands and a nervous voice. I'm so in. After a struggle on her behalf she gets me checked in and I return to work (did I tell you it was lunch time? it was).

-3rd day at the MSBBH, HM: Come back to my room about 6pm. WTF! My room isn't made up?!?! Scans the room. Well the old towels are gone...trash is out...but the bed isn't made...OMG I left my fucking pipe in the middle of the bed! 10 seconds of worrying later I figure it is house keeping and they probably all smoke weed anyway. No prob. I'm in the clear.

Come back from the bar across the parking lot when they shut down at 11pm: Me, high school friend and a work friend. X-tina snags me and pulls me away
X: You left your pipe on your bed
Me: (all drunky) I KNOW, I'M A FUCKING RETARD!
X: They wanted to call the cops on you!
Me: Why didn't they?
X: I told them you were my good friend

(she had only previously seen me on the first day check-in)

6th day at the MSBBH, HM (or something like that): We have been chatting every day that I'm there and she is now to the point where she doesn't knock to come into my room. Just uses the front desk key. She even calls my room to have me come and hang out with her at work.

We sit down and watch some TV in the lobby (read: x-t is working):

1)She is texting on her flip phone most of the night. She finishes up a particular text and sets her phone down. On the table. Open. Facing Me. With her bare titties AS HER BACKGROUND.
X: Ooopps! You weren't supposed to see that! (grabs phone and closes it)
Me: Shut up and let me see those titties in my face.
X: (hands the phone back)
Me: Send that and any other filth you have to my phone.
X: My phone is a pre-paid and I can't do that.
Me: Shitty...

2)An older couple comes in and starts chatting with us. After about 30min-1hour the lady asks "how's your boyfriend doing?". After a quick glance at me and an increase in cheek blush, she offers back a mumbled "fine". LOL! ROFL! This girl has been hiding that shit like it is going out of style! Sweet Jesus, I'm so fucking money right now!

1st time returning to the MSBBH, HM after being away: Before I can even get out of my car she is running across the parking lot to give me my "welcome home, honey" hug. She is super giddy and excited to give me my key and keeps prodding me to check out my room. The key card sleeve looks like this:
I get to my room and there are rose pedals leading up to the bed where there is a note and a rose. The note looks like this:
On the night stand there are a couple cookies, microwavable popcorn, and a banana and 2 oranges shaped like a cock and balls. Oh man! This girl is getting dangerously close to over inflating my ego!

Pool party. Early March. MSBBH, HM: We been drinkin and smokin at the pool all night and X to the T comes in and keeps telling us how much she wants to be swimming with us. Being the gentleman that I am, I took it upon myself to pull her into the pool 10min before her shift was over (fear not, I warned her after grabbing her so she could ditch the cell. Gentleman. Scholar. Pinnacle of respectability). Turns out she didn't have an extra set of clothes... My bad... So I run up to the room and grab some fleece pants and a shirt that will surely let her nipples poke through. When I return to the pool room, her clothes are everywhere and she is wrapped up in a tiny pool room towl. I hand her the clothes and she changes in the sauna that has a glass door, while I block my mexican friend's view (definition: block - verb, to stare into a sauna in such a way that both you and another person that is still in the pool can watch naughty bitches strip to their skivies). High fiiiiive, veeery niiiiiice!

Sadly (for her, not me) she went home to her house shortly thereafter. Parole Officer (read: boyfriend) isn't even a little amused when she wakes him up as she jumps into bed with him:
PO: Why is your hair wet.
X: Because...ummm...I was going to try and lie but I can't think of anything. The gay guy (she tells the PO that I'm gay for security measures) pulled me into the pool.
PO: (smells her hair) You liar. Your hair smells washed.

Let me take a moment to explain that she actually didn't wash her hair. These Hamilton dudes are INTENSE with their women. Future blogs will dabble in detail regarding this phenomenon.

X: Seriously, he pulled me in. Look at my clothes.

She had already hidden my clothes in the back of her closet so that he wouldn't freak shit. Her wet clothes were on the floor.

PO: I'm going to hate fuck you

Fiiiiine, the last line was made up...but he did hate fuck her that night. Lucky bastard.

Last night at the MSBBH, HM: I was typin with my brosef James and I told X-t that he hadn't seen a pic of her. She tells me to send one of the pics I have of her from my phone (a picture of a picture from 2003)

James: WTF? That was '03...I want now!

One phone call to the front desk and another cell picture later, he has the following sitting in his email inbox:

I fucking laughed myself to sleep last night. That is a GREAT feeling!


Sooooo, Tsao-ism. Is there a point to this or am I just patting myself on the back (funny thing too, because my back is located on my cock).

I feel that people are told/believe that there are two types of decisions: Good & Bad....cause and effect. I'm trying to aim my flashlight of knowledge on the path less traveled: Entertaining & Not-Entertaining. The world is not a good/bad, black/white world. It is but shades of entertainment labeled with binary tags. We must reset our decision making hierarchy so that it drives to conclusions based on logic and reason instead of good/bad societal beliefs handed down from a time that is now considered old world. We've come a long way. Let's act like it.

Remove your desires of control and act on what you believe. We don't have much time to walk this mortal coil....so "drink it in" while you can!

Even My Ski Rack is Letting Go

...ya, wasn't ready for that one. Picture the scenario. Lawyer, nurse and engineer are blasting out into the flats after the lost trail pass. 3 digit speeds. Start to pass a Suburban and the guy rolls down the window and starts to give me the "slow down you asshole" hand gesture.
Turns out it is the "your rack is messed up you asshole" hand gesture. Turns out he was right.I jump out of the car, take a pic and proceed to adjust the tangled web of skis and poles. It wasn't but 5 seconds of adjusting that bitch when the Yakima decides to pull an Okami and punch me in the fucking nose. DAMN. Eyes watering up. Nose starting to bleed. Hold it together Thullbery. Don't look like a bitch. You are already parked on the wrong side of the highway...and we are back to situation normal.

Aside from that, last weekend was dynamite. Had everything I need: Lawyers, skiing, booze, smokes, male nurses and the most important thing of all, high school cheerleaders.

I don't get why so many people don't like young girls. They are a damn riot. They act drunk without a drop of alcohol. They are incredibly sexy, which also means "not fat yet". And further more, these girls were willing to play video games and do some cheers for us with our names in them. Some people pay good money to get that exact type of treatment at the Bunny Ranch. And when they do it is usually overpriced (anything over $3) and played out by some 28yr old girls that look like they were born with cigarettes in their mouths and veins full of base.
The ONLY part of me that wasn't entirely down with this scene playing out in my room was the space in my memory reserved for shitty late night television. Mainly, Dateline's "To Catch a Preditor". That fucking show, along with a fine South Park episode was messin with me. And every time they would have to go charging back into their room because "their coach was at the door", my mind would play out the following:

(tall man enters room in a sport coat with a turtle-neck underneath)
Kevin: Can I help you?
Man: Why don't you just have a seat over there.
Kevin: Why are you in my roo...
Man: Just have a seat over there.
Kevin: I'm calling the front des...
Man: Just have a seat.
(Kevin walks backwards to the chair and sits down)
Kevin: Damn you're good! Who are you?
Man: I'm Chris Hanson with Datel...
Kevin: Oh God! IT'S CHRIS HANSON!!!
(Kevin pulls a pistol from out of nowhere and commits suicide. End)

Long story short...they flirted with us, we flirted back, we played guitar hero, we played some doubles real guitar, our testosterone pumps ran at 99.8% capacity (remaining .2% is reserved for the same scenario plus some visible nipples and a quart of KY warming sensations) and we all went to bed once I got my third noise complaint at the Bitterroot Inn (2 is the max allowable). Luckily I was blessed with an angelic demeanor and there is no way the desk girls would kick me out and leave themselves un-hit-on-by-me.

To grasp what i'm saying...you must first let go

Not to sound too much like Yoda, but this blog is an exercise in unlearning what you never learned. Releasing the previously conceived notions of anger and jealousy. It is a strength and conditioning class for your intellect, so that it can go the full five, five minute rounds with your instincts (even though we hope your intellect triangle chokes the shit out of your instincts 1:36 into the first round).
For purposes of this highly educational blog (that means that it won't be entertaining), instincts will only refer to the following emotions: Anger & Jealousy. For those readers that are of a younger generation, the following emoticons: x-( & -.-*
Instincts are tough. They have been born and bred by eons of entropy fueled evolution (species) as well as years of classical conditioning (personal). And due to the fact that life as well as all things understood follow the 2nd law of thermal dynamics (read: entropy), intelligent life is completely contrary to the natural flow of energy. I'm using the term "intelligent life" to mean beings that makes decisions that are not based on a purely cause/effect relationship, but rather decisions based on an educated insight into ones true desires for his/her present and future. This is the letting go of the modern diction of western life. To rap it up in one easy to swallow word...Tao. Tao with a sexual propensity! Damn, too many words...Tsao!
For reasons that I will expand on in future posts, letting go of these emotions through the study of my newfangled religion will open your eyes (which are currently barely at a squint). In other words: BLOW YOUR FUCKING MIND! Sorry, i got a little carried away with the caps lock.
I think you will like the religion too. I mean what isn't there to like. I started it, there are only 3 teachings of doctrine, you don't have to "attend" anything (which is two fewer times than most catholics, and a shit-ton fewer times than if you were catholic and moving in with my grandmother), and I'll be damned if it doesn't get you laid at least once.
What? You want to know the doctrine? Suuurrree...why not. In no particular order (as there is not "order" in Tsao:
1)Don't fall for the opposite sex
-See future posts (read: invent flux capacitor) on "living free of dated christian beliefs", "monogamy", "sexuality" and "Crossbows: If she has one, you're fucked..."
2)Keep your life as free of anger and jealousy as humanly possible
-This is probably the most valuable piece of advice that I as a human being can ever offer anyone. Seriously. Details to follow as well.
3)Play it safe playa
-Everybody knows the first rule of Skindoggs Rules to Playin the Right Plays as a Playa..."skin to win". But sadly, winning that way can make your piss feel like fire, make your dick and pubic region look like it was attacked by fire ants, and shut your immune system down all 28 days later style. Wu-Tangs Ghostface: ...here, take this raincoat and practice safe sex. He seemed to ignore, I said be for real, she's not even worth it to go raw deal...

Here is a text 2-part-series to the head of the Tsao belief system(read: me):
"Ur texting made me wanna touch myself and i touched myself till i fell asleep! Fuck i'm now late! I love it though!"
...then...
"Not the being late! But the fact that u can Fuck me to sleep in the middle of the afternoon and ur not even here! I love that!"