Bachelorette Party

There are many things that I don't fully understand. I figure this is due to my particular upbringing, environment, intelligence (or lack there of), etc. For instance: I don't fully understand religiously dedicated individuals (christians in this example because they make up the most predominant religious following in my life until this whole Tsaoism catches on a bit more) that repeatedly bash other religions for their misguided beliefs without noticing that their beliefs are equally as ludicrous. Sure the details are tweaked, but more or less they are sailing the same vessel of ignorance and intolerance.

Another phenomenon that completely baffles me is the check-list bachelorette party. The event where a group of girls lead another of the same sex (that is about to make the worst mistake of her life) around bars to do a predetermined set of activities. These activities include, but are not limited to, "do a body shot", "get a guys underwear", "kiss a random guy in a bar", etc.

From what I've gathered, this check list must be performed while wearing a necklace of plastic cocks and a tiara that was designed for a 9 year old where the word "Princess" has been replaced with "Bachelorette" While these activities are often accompanied by the giggling of females drunk off of 2 Keystone Light spritzers, I cannot rally behind this sort of tom-foolery. Every bit of it just seems like the party was planned by a 2nd grade teacher trying to plan a PG-13 version of afternoon activities for her students (ok, maybe a 3rd grade party...at best).

Perhaps if the checklist was modified a bit. Why go looking for a guy's pair of dirty ass underwear? Do you really want that skid mark ridden wad of cotton anyway? In five or ten years will you look back and say "That was an effin awesome night! Remember how I managed to get ALL 15 of those items checked off before 2am?" My guess is no.

The list only really needs one item: 1) Drink and laugh until you shit your pants.

No longer will these poor souls be limited to a mere 15 points of entertainment for the evening. Only one item is needed to encompass all their good-time needs. When they look back on their last "free" night they will only have good memories (unless you do it right, in which case you will have no memories at all, but a slew of good pictures and a criminal record to prove your deviance).

The point I'm really driving at is that deciding how you are going to have a rock'in good time prior to the unfolding of the evening is not the way to go. You limit yourself way too much.

Case in point: I'm walk up to the bar to get a drink with a friend I hadn't hung out with since jr. high/early high school, and a bachelorette party comes parading in through the front door. They march up to the bar, and the majorette of the party blurts out to me:

Majorette: Can my friend give you a kiss on the cheek! It's part of her bachelorette party checklist!

Me: Of course...

Then all of the sudden there are about 7 cameras drawn from their holsters like I was in the filming of desperado II. These girls line up like bachelorette girl and I are Brangelina on the red carpet. What they didn't know is that the "Bran" was a Tsaoist.

She goes moves in for her picture perfect checklist kiss that will amass at least 7 giggles when it is posted on her myspace.

I, on the other hand, offer the bride-to-be a once in a lifetime chance to makeout with a long haired angelface the day before she signs her sexuality away by busting out a 90 degree spin right before her lips reach my cheek.

Bachelorette: AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!

Bachelorette party: OMG, LOL, HEHE... (other capital letters that imply laughter and astonishment)

I'm not joking about the astonishment either. Not a single girl took a picture. They were so shocked by my little antic that they neglected the photo. I give them myspace gold and they squander it like a drunk gambler.

If they had only gone with my one point checklist! The girl would have sucked a little face, the party would have 7 cameras worth of hilarious pics (plus some post honeymoon bickering), everyone would have laughed (possibly until they shit themselves) and I would have had the opportunity to walk back to the table of people that I work with and say "Did you just see me making out with that bachelorette?" Everyone would have won.

Tsaoism works SO much better by example...