E-Harmonize

As some of you know, prior to this blog posting (yes, I do share intimate life details outside of this digital communication system), I have recently met my soul-mate. For those of you that don't know, a soul-mate is a your mate not only on this planet but also the magic planet that you go to after death. Many people even think they are currently with their soul-mates, but if you haven't taken E-Harmony's compatibility test and scored 28 out of 29 or better, you don't know shit.

You are probably thinking to yourself "...but Keev, you don't believe in magic planets". You are correct. And while I don't believe in this planet(s), you have to admit it is pretty nice knowing that I've got somebody waiting for me there when I die.

Unless I die first...

Fuck! I didn't even think of that. Say I pass off this mortal coil a few decades prior to said soul-mate. That isn't even much of a stretch of the imagination considering my current driving/rafting/feltching/longboarding hobbies. Am I just going to be sitting there at the entrance of a P.F. Changs's (magic planet location) for years and years, while she logs back onto E-Harmony to search for another soul-mate. Maybe not even a soul-mate. Maybe she'll meet some sap that barely pulls a 27 out of 29 matches who is into cryogenics. I could be waiting for hundreds or years in hopes that a massive power failure allows the freezers enough time to thaw everyone, release them from the clasp of cryopreservation and kill my soul-mate off in order for us to live (not-live?) happily ever after!

(deep breath)

Sorry. This is my first soul-mate, and it has me a touch freaked out. It goes against my typical Tsaoist beliefs that everything in the universe is constantly changing. All of my reasoning for being an adaptive human being has sort of been thrown out the window. It's just that we lined up on 28 out of 29 traits! We were meant for each other! It's just science...boring, but my life. The point is, E-Harmony has showed me what it has shown thousands of others: Your soul-mate is out there. It just takes the internets to find him/her/other.

Now you would think that after getting the results of our compatability test it would be all fun and games. That we would no longer have to work for a living and we could sit around and drink alcoholic beverages that were born of natural ingredients with natural carbonation. That is NOT the case! I was required to converse, laugh, swim and sexually perform for at least 4 straight days (luckily some of our matching traits were conversing, laughter, enjoying water and sex).

In the days to come I will hit my most crucial test of all:

[From E-Harmony.com]Studies tell us that about 10 million Americans are regular marijuana smokers, ³ which makes it more than a little likely that your active dating life will present you with these questions:

• Are you willing to date someone who is a regular marijuana user?

• If so, how much is too much? Are you fine with the weekend toker? The “I only smoke if offered” casual user?

• What is it about marijuana use that makes it a deal breaker for you? Is it the stereotype that pot smokers are lazy? Is it the illegality? Do you believe that it is a gateway drug?

• What if the marijuana is for medicinal purposes? Is that okay?

• If you are a marijuana smoker, when do you share these details in a new relationship?

This caused a chilling revelation. If my soul-mate doesn't smoke pot, is she really my soul-mate? Or perhaps I'm just a shell of the soul-mate that I'll become for her once I stop smoking. I fretted about this for hours the other night until I came to another revelation. This time a saving revelation. On the same site that shows how to deal with these weed questions they showed a guy rolling a joint.



I just need to sit back, smoke a joint of what I can only assume is bird seed and relax.

I mean, 28 out of 29 traits CAN'T be wrong...can it?