This Is "Your" Blog

First and foremost, thank you all for putting in your two cents worth. I laughed until I cried a number of times. Sure this may have been from the free drinks I was getting at Tony Roma’s Bar & Grill due to my incredible ability to figure out solutions to bar games. None the less, got drunk, laughed really hard.

Here are a few of my favorite submissions bases entirely on the answer (not how it fit into the Tsaolib)

-Nord’s entire submission.

-Anonymous_Blogger’s (who I’m left to assume is somebody other than my brother James) object – woman

-Terry’s objects that collide – Brittany Spear and Nelson Mandela

-Jenelle’s verb ending in ing – clubbing, followed by her next submission of animal – baby seal.

Here is the list with all submissions together:

electronic device – toaster, iPhone, iPod, hair dryer, synthesizer, 8-track player, voice emodulator, mouse, reciprocating bone saw, electric razor.

word(s) to describe climate – foggy, semi-arid, arid, foggy, muggy, balmy, Katrinaish (HAHAH, nice luke), moist, cold and dry with the distinct smell of Douglas Fir, bipolar.

animal part – hoof, beak, hoove, tail, hamhocks (Terry, you are still the only person that I’ve shared the “pleasure” of eating a pickled hamhock with), hoof, horsetail, brisket, bile duct, panda ears.

action – mangle, jump, run, ballin, ice skate, swim, slide, sucker punch, jump.

action – club, dump, clap, freebasin, curtsy, belch, hurdle, spend, hurdle.

object – helmet, woman, laundry basket (coincidence that woman and laundry basket are right next to each other?*), I Path shoes, hair dryer, deodorant stick, tricycle, 5-lb sack of organic flour, menorah.

*Tsaoism does not promote sexist, racist or other bigoted views.

verb – carouse, drill, slap, nextelling, to plea, push, bargain, hesitate, backflip.

noun – nazi, baby, fork, lice, envelope, bird, asylum, dry ice, stool (haha).

something you do on vacation – provoke the natives, drink booze, swim in the ocean, skeet the 5-hole, sleep with Barbara, drink booze, explore uncharted areas, spend too much money on Mexican woodcarvings that don’t look as good as I remember, peel.

celebrity – Dr. Phil McGraw, Miley Cyrus, Beyonce, Gary Coleman, Barbara (Streisand?), Boy George, Sanjaya, Benny Hill, GSP (Avery, I don’t know you, but I can tell we are going to be best of palls).

hand sized noun – baby platypus, potato, toaster strudel, “Black Dick Ho” dvd (hahahaha, I pray you still own that), credit card, Rubix Cube, sponge, under-ripe heirloom tomato, martini glass.

noun + smaller part of 1^st noun (ie. Tree + leaves) – woman 25 years old + emotional baggage (He’s single ladies! Hahaha), condom wrapper, tong, shirt + cuffs, necklace + bead, raft + bow, book + chapters, load bearing wall + concrete masonry block, waterfall + droplet.

afternoon activity – digging graves, biking, napping, smoking cigs, swimming, folf (once you go enviro…you have to learn to play), baking cupcakes, spill coffee, fly a kite.

mourning routine – RU-486+Vodka+Chaser (first I had to look up what the RU-486 was, then I laughed until it was hard to breath), shit+shower+shave, coffee consumption, pushups, breakfast eating, go to Starbucks, scramble eggs, wash yesterdays shirt in the sink, press snooze 3 times.

verb ending in ing – lactating, killing, sweeping, Nick Nolting, sauntering, stomping, clubbing, scraping, scuba diving.

animal – man-bear-pig, cat, elephant, toucan, giraffe, meerkat, baby seal, cormorant, rhino.

child’s birthday gift – trip to Neverland Ranch, train set, Barbie, teething ring, lite bright, harmonica, hotwheels, trip to Disneyland, rattle.

adjective – soggy, huge, green, tweakenest, petite, hideous, clumsy, pitted, sleek.

two objects that would collide – beer bottles and train, car and pedestrian, planets and meteors, Brittany Spears and Nelson Mandela, Mama Bird and window, pinball and plunger, runway models, albatross and a jet engine (haha), racket and ball.

noun – vase, tree, pillow, dome, booty-licious blowup doll with 3 holes, carpet, gaggle, solenoid valve, vase.

fluid found in a jar – gypsy tears, mayo, conditioner, liquid tiger balm, vasaline, Beefamato, vodka, formalin, pickle juice.

mode of transportation – pogo stick, running, rollerblading, hoopty, segway, snowskate, jetpack, the trunk of a car (What’s black and blue and hates sex? The kid in the back of Shane’s car), feet.

verb – hemorrhaging, jumping, speaking, finalizing, squat, skipping, fortify, refrigerate, ski.

drinking activity – throwing bottles at trains, making out, pouring booze in your pants (how thoughtful pooks), barefoot can crushing, falling down, caps, chugging, cry in a closet, beer pong (she only said this because she doesn’t know about caps yet).

verb ending in ing – milking, typing, golfing, moonwalking, vomiting, copulating, recruiting, welding, sticking.

emotion – shame, crying, sad, PMSing, mourning (you didn’t pick sad?!?!), sad, ambivalence, guilt, ecstasy.

something you would do at a nascar event – kill myself, raciest (are you saying you would be racist at this event?), drink bud light, drink with a hutterite, cry, hate black people, hold a Joe-Dirt look-alike contest, sit spider-style on my cousin in an SUV(HAHAHA), yawn.

something you would do at a family reunion - have sex with my cousin, fuck sarah (HAHAHA), laugh, hide from my aunt Marion, be verbally abused by my adopted family, play horseshoes, sit spider-style on my cousin in an SUV(HAHAHAHA), eat.

Here is the Gold:

i love sitting in a chair behind you while you work at the RECIPROCATING BONE SAW

while you type i can kiss the back of your neck

at first i'll just lightly rub your clit

then when you start getting really COLD AND DRY WITH THE DISTINCT SMELL OF DOUGLAS FIR

i'll put in just a little bit of my finger

and with my HAMHOCKS i'll keep rubbing your clit

slowly going deeper and deeper with my finger

my other hand will have SUCKER PUNCHED your bra by this point

then i can play with your nipples as i put in a second finger

after two fingers you’ll get up and turn around and DUMP (this one had so many good answers)

i keep my hips back at first so that you can't get too deep at first

just the tip

both of my hands on your lower back i pull you close and go a little deeper

no, not all the way

i want to kiss your MENORAH a bit now

still just moving very slowly and deliberately

you rock forward and back

each time i NEXTEL my hips ever so slightly forward

giving you more and more STOOL

you reach back and put your hands on the desk behind you so i can SPEND TOO MUCH MONEY ON MEXICAN WOODCARVING THAT DON’T LOOK AS GOOD AS I REMEMBER

arching your back

now i give you as much as GARY COLEMAN (I also liked Boy George) can

deep as i can get

but still very slow

i grab one “BLACK DICK HO” DVD in each hand and lift you up onto the desk

pushing the computer aside so that you can lie back and arch up

i grab your 25 YEAR OLD WOMAN and put her EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE up by my neck

squeezing each nipple and kissing you so hard it would hurt if you weren't thinking about how i'm SMOKIN CIGS

now i'm starting to really speed it up

my tight stomach is smacking the back of your legs as i GIVE YOU AN RU-486, VODKA AND A CHASER

then i drop one of you legs down and keep the other up

i'm so deep that my pelvic bone is STOMPING into yours

i must have you MAN-BEAR-PIG style now

at first i have my hands on your hips

giving you A TRIP TO NEVERLAND RANCH as i start to glow from the heat

i'm getting HIDEOUS as your tight ass smacks my hips

my ALBATROSSES are bouncing off your JET ENGINE as i pick up the pace even more

i pull you back up to my stomach so i can lightly bite your neck

i grab you hair and turn your head around for another smashing BOOTYLICIOUS BLOWUP DOLL WITH 3 HOLES

then i slow down a little

drag my fingernails down your back

leaving light trails of MAYO as i pull back out of you

i can't take it any more and POGOSTICK you over to the couch

race to get on top of you and HEMORRHAGE into you

it's so wet

so much heat

i POUR BOOZE IN YOUR PANTS (also really liked cry in a closet) with everything i've got

your pussy is VOMITING as i start to break a full sweat

we are face to face and all we see is SHAME

i'm about to KILL MYSELF

as you let out a final scream i SIT SPIDER-STYLE WITH MY COUSIN IN AN SUV and cum

Let's Get Together

I think it is time to have some fun with blogging. Every time I write a blog it is the same: Me writing my thoughts or memories down, you reading the blog and then making (or not) comments about my writing. I think it is time we get interactive. I’ve written up a generic online cyber-sex chat then pulled out a lot of the words or phrases that are critical to its final meaning. Then I wrote a list of the type of words or phrases that would fit grammatically into those spots. Now I need you to give me the words to put back into those spots. Yes I’m talking about doing a blogger Madlib (Tsaolib in this case).

Here are a couple things to note when doing this:

-This is already a sexlib, adding words that you would normally find on any given porn site will NOT add to the humor of this project. If you put “finger your ass” for “a thing you do in the morning”, the final result may be “I want to finger your ass while I bite your nipples." Not funny. Just true. (Butt seriously...I will do that)

-Be creative. Take some time to give quality answers instead of just the wildest thing you can think of. It will pay off in the long run.

-Get these back to me in a timely manner. Simplest way to do this is to copy the list below, put it in Microsoft Word, fill in your “answers” and then email it to me or post it in the comments (Posting in the comments will be the preferred method. It will allow all of my readers to have a laugh about the different combinations that come up).

I will be posting the best entry (or combination there of) in a post later this week.

Happy Tsaolibbing!

Fill in the following:

electronic device –

word(s) to describe climate –

animal part –

action –

action –

object –

verb –

noun –

something you do on vacation –

celebrity –

hand sized noun –

noun + smaller part of 1^st noun (ie. Tree + leaves) –

afternoon activity –

mourning routine –

verb ending in ing –

animal –

child’s birthday gift –

adjective –

two objects that would collide –

noun –

fluid found in a jar –

mode of transportation –

verb –

drinking activity –

verb ending in ing –

emotion –

something you would do at a nascar event –

something you would do at a family reunion –

Evel Knievel Daze

I was halfway into writing about some belief system that would help my disciples (read: readers) model their behaviors for continued life learning, but I think it is time for a story from days past.

I had rolled into Butte for some fine Evel drinking shenanigans. As with most of my more entertaining stories, it started with a sack-o-wine. PIC and I hopped on his longboard for a quick doubles run down the path. For those that don't know, a doubles run is where two incredibly straight males ride one longboard at the same time. Sort of like Ace and Gary without the cool superhero costumes. During the ride we would take turns giving each other wine shots. This stunt requires incredible balance, or it simply is not possible to get blackout drunk. After stopping at a bon-fire by tech for some 15' wine shots and some drinking songs, we continue down granite street and over to the silver dollar. As my English co-worker would say, by this point we were "MAJESTIC" (read: HOUSED). I think we decided to go to the Vu after the coin, but by the time we got there it was closed. Off to the caps house for more drinking and some bottle cap sliding. It was then that I took some time out my busy booze schedule to run upstairs, bust in on Tom and Aryn mid-coitus or mid-sleep and cheer for Levi Leipheimer at the top of my lungs (with a "GO LEVI" sign and all).

Clearly I was still sober:


It must have been around 4am when we decided that we were all plenty sauced. I got a ride back to a girls house where she invited me to bed and we proceeded to have some fine spoon sex. I'm sure there was other sex, but my memory at that point was pretty unimpressive.

Woke up after what felt like 1/3 the amount of sleep I should have had, and enjoyed a quick hangover-hump. Always a good way to start a day when your head feels like somebody kicked it with a steel-toed shoe and your mouth tastes like the shit-in-your-mouth-when-you-are-asleep troll payed you a nighttime visit.

The next day was over 38 degrees C (100+ F) and full of motorcycles, booze and weed. Pretty good time, but nothing too crazy.

That night (again at the coin) we were having a less than blackout time and decided we need to sent a picture to Qotlom. Qotlom is a drinking/makeout partner of mine that has a propensity towards pouring booze down my pants, so we took a picture of PIC "pouring" a beer down my pants. The only thing was, it was an empty can. Then out of nowhere a butte friend (female we will call BF) came crashing through the crowd in butte-drunk fashion and actually poors a beer down my pants (Oh Qotlom, it would have made you proud).

BF was then willing to makeout with this guy:


The group makes a consensus to again go to the Vu. BF, two other girls and I start walking our way there when I see this:

BARON DeHIRCH LODGE, NO. 420.

"Hey BF, get down in that stairwell! We're makin out down there!" (see stairwell doing down next to main entrance) It wasn't but 10 seconds of tongue wrestling before she made a mad dash for my belt. Being the Tsaoist that I am, I reached up her skirt and pulled her panties to the side and got to work. Her back against the door and leg up on the banister. DAMN it was hot.

Not really sure how long that lasted, but in the middle of the festivities a couple comes walking down the sidewalk right next to us. My back was to the street and didn't see it, but BF started to giggle. Without pulling out I look behind me and the couple says "Don't worry, we've done that before". Hahaha! Oh butte, how I love you.

Couple more pumps and I'm ready to erupt. In a slick maneuver that I hadn't performed before, I pull out and skeet her 5 hole. I didn't confirm the shot, but I'm 95% sure I hit the door. I didn't know it at the time, but this was the basement door to Butte's sole Jewish synagogue. I sure hope god's "chosen people" aren't right, because that will be the definition of awkward explaining that one post-life.

We cum up out of the stairwell and proceed with out Vu-based travels. Made it about 1.5 blocks before I had her leg up again and her back against some dilapidated garage. The type that can only be found in uptown Butte. That didn't last long.

BF: Is that guy looking at us?

I look across the street where she is looking. Sure as shit there is a guy with just his head sticking out of his screen door. Drinking. It. In.

Me: Hmmm...I guess we should wonder someplace else.

We head another block and a half for some more mutual pleasure. It was really some top notch public romping. We were both sated and decided we should finally make it over to the Vu.

As it stood, we had been at it a little longer than originally predicted and the Vu was totally closed up. We really didn't have much else to do so we bid each other farewell and like any good Tsaoist would, we enjoyed our time together and went out separate ways.

Back To Ninja College

"Jiu-jitsu is a very, very different way of looking at conflict," Mamet explains. "The essence of jiu-jitsu is, Don't oppose force to force. Learn to conquer yourself. Do away with your anger, which can only hurt you in a confrontation. Don't take on the other guy's weight. Someone wants to call you names, so what? Somebody wants to hurt you? OK, so what? If you clear your mind, you can actually see what's being done to you, what the other person's intent is, and instead of opposing, you can end the confrontation by leaving or by subduing the other person. You don't have to expend your force but, nonetheless, by understanding, by gaining a superior position, you can prevail in a conflict. It really does help me everywhere." ~David Mamet

Tsaoism shares similar beliefs. The energy people use opposing the various forces in their lives is incredible. From butting heads with a boss to fighting against a potential presidential candidate, this is simply energy wasted. I see it every day that I go to work. Somebody gets done with a 9 to 10 hour workday, and they go home to take a nap because they "are exhausted". Exhausted from sitting in a chair. This wouldn't make much sense unless you take into account the amount of mental energy that people expend in a day. These people (read: engineers I sit adjacent to) will complain from 7:30am until 5:30pm about the "stresses of work", "the work they shouldn't have to do" to their "asshole superior that won't them expense this-or-that". What they rarely consider is the tremendous amount of energy that this takes from their energy bank. It is very taxing on your mind, but not at all taxing on your body (and we wonder why we have a weight problem in this country).

There is an old adage that I would like to modify to be more applicable to Tsaoist beliefs:
"____(enter your name here), be intelligent enough to recognize the things I cannot change, the sesability to change the things I can and ought, and the wisdom to know the difference." I would like to point out that I realize the irony of me modifying the serenity prayer (Alcoholics Anonymous's bread and butter saying) while I'm drinking and blogging in a hotel room by myself.

I see so many people wasting their lives (daily mental energy) bitching about and trying to change things that aren't within their scope of control. This is where I think people need to go back to the Tsaoist roots: Let it go. Stop holding onto what you think is "correct"/"wrong". Learn what "is"/"isn't" in your scope of control. No longer will you be wasting energy opposing mental forces. We must learn to use the force and only redirect it as done in BJJ (Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, not blow job job).

The long and short of this is simple: Put things in a positive light so that you don’t waste your daily energy getting worked up over stupid shit like some overgrown roid-raging pre-safety from the Bitterroot Blaze. Instead, put that energy to good use and get some exercise. I choose to dress up like a ninja, choke people and bend their arms. It is a blast. Last night I went 2-1 (won by head-and-arm, lost by neck-crank, won by omaplata).

Let's Make Some Lemonade

Today’s hype is “Going Green”. I think this is great. Reduce, Reuse, Recycle. How could you be against it, unless you are a selfish bastard? Who doesn’t have the time in their life to make a few simple changes? Whether that is changing out some light bulbs, carrying a handful of groceries instead of getting a bag or using the human machine to get somewhere instead of that fine internal combustion machine, the result is reduced waste.

But…

I do have a problem with the hype though. It is being sold to us (like my beliefs that you are getting in my blog right now). GE will sell you a CFL (compact florescent light) and the whole time they will pat you on the back for the reduced carbon emissions that go along with your installation of that light. On the flip side of that coin they rarely mention the amount of mercury that we are dumping into the ground/water every time one of those burn out and we send it to the landfill (florescent lights will not work without a drop of mercury inside of the gas tube).

Car companies would love to get you into a brand new hybrid, or high gas mileage car. They seem to neglect the fact that adding cars to the market at a rate higher than that of cars being retired only perpetuates our carbon problem. This is a slam to the entire theory of the three R’s, unless it really stands for Rconsumer, Rconsume, Rprofit.

The hotels I’ve been staying in love to preach about the water that I can help save the world if I simply put the towel on the rack and reuse it the next day. We are doing our part to preserve the earth and invite you to help us conserve water by using your towels more than once. Each day millions of gallons of water are used to wash towels that are nearly clean. Please hang your towels up if you wish to participate in this water conservation program... if you choose not to participate, simply leave your towels on the floor. What they fail to point out is the harsh chemical detergents that are used for each wash (those towels HAVE to be nice and sparkly white for me). Why don’t they put some of the Go Green responsibility back on themselves and spend a little more for the enviro-friendly detergents? Simple. Going Green with that method doesn’t increase that branch manager’s bottom line. He gots to get payed!

For the record: I do hang my towels on the rack and I don't even own a house, much less the lights within that house I don't own. I think that helps balance out my 15 miles to the gallon race car.

Now it may sound like I think these earth-friendly gestures are not good, and that couldn’t be further from the truth. I simply have an issue with how businesses (people at the top, not the entity of business), instead of accepting the responsibility personally, they pass it down to the low man on the totem pole (read: consumer). They point out our earth-friendly deficiencies and then sell us the “solution”.

For these companies to realize their yearly profit goals, I realize that they can’t do everything earth friendly. If they take the “high road” and follow the 3 R’s approach to business, the next company in line would gladly fill the void they left and take every single one of their customers. Well…except those 15 people in Missoula that are at the brewery drunk-ranting about how they are “buying from a company that isn’t raping the earth, maaannn”. With that in mind I don’t think we are going to guilt these companies into being earth conscious.

Sadly one of the only ways to reduce carbon (for our country) is to strain the economy with pressure on big businesses in the form of governmental restrictions on waste/emissions and monetary penalties for noncompliance. Large manufacturing companies (including the ones I work for) produce, by comparison, far more waste than the end user. Primarily, this is in the form of energy consumption (I make this claim after selling the electrical gear for residential, commercial and industrial applications. This puts a huge metaphorical wrench in the gears of one of our other beloved liberal agenda groups though (those silly goofs trying to keep jobs in The America), as this sends jobs overseas where the restrictions and fines don’t yet exist. They can produce whatever they want at a fraction of the cost, not only because of the lower energy costs and manpower cost, but because there is virtually zero cost associated with NOT cleaning up your industrial waste.

In my eyes there is only one viable solution that our country ought to pursue. Stop spending billions on other countries (I’m looking at you Iraq) and focus that money on education in our own country. More specifically, put an increased focus on math and science and subsidize college tuition. Do everything in our power to create a highly educated society, not for us, but for the future of our country (and planet I guess). To design a method that would lower emissions from a coal fed power generation plant, you must have the chemical background to understand what the hell is even going on in that process (true story for you: coal does not just magically turn into electricity) In order to redesign a wind turbine for increased efficiency, you must have the mechanical background to understand the materials and forces associated with it or the electrical background to understand Faraday’s law and how you can use it to increase efficiencies within the generator.

To really address the mess is to invest in our youth. No more running our mouths about how to make schools fair. Nothing in life is fair. You are given something and it is up to you as an adult to make the best of it and more importantly make the best of it for our youth. We need to stop being so short sighted for while (fuck! It’s going to be tough as [The] Americans) and really work on a long term solution.

That being said: Higher gas prices reduce carbon emissions. Yay for people making money on dead dinosaur plants! (I’m looking at you Ryan)

Sex Ed

If you have been reading this blog for a while, you may have started to wonder what my credentials are for putting the "S" Taoism (the "S" stands for sexual). You are probably thinking right now "I'm more sexually experienced and far better looking than Kevin. He hasn't even had himself a 3some yet". And while this may be true, I was given one life advantage that many of my older readers were never afforded. I had a personal computer and high speed internet since I was pretty young.

You probably don't think that my last point is terribly exciting. Due to the fact that you are reading my blog instead of waiting for a 84kb file to download to your electronic-mail, this pretty much qualifies you as a high speed internet user yourself. The main difference is based in timing. I got my high speed internet right at the convergence of my peak sexual curiosity and the internet's growth into its "anything will sell here" attitude. This coupled with my own computer in the safety of my own bedroom created a virtual Petri dish for the nastyvirus (or is that nasteria?) that is my desire to know all things dirty.

No longer was I using the emergency shut-down techniques of days past when I heard one of my parents coming down the stairs and I was balls deep into a serious jerk session. No more would I have to face the awkwardness of me and the UPS guy staring at each other after I foolishly thought I had a good 20 minutes to chill DIH over a lunch break. Now I was able to scan the depths of the filthiest smut that my adolescent brain could find free of outside disturbances.

It wasn't long before we (me, another person and this other dude) discovered the pure quantity of pornography that Hotline could afford our hungry souls. Soon we were distributing CDs of this high school gold out of our lockers to the poor sons-of-bitches that didn't have the luxuries me and my brother were afforded when we bought our iMac Special Editions on that fateful day.

Skip forward to 2000 and I've just landed myself in Butte and was getting accustomed to the place. Kids everywhere were pulling up their new favorite spank-bank sites and the "new" sick videos that they had found/taken off of the school network. Each one of them thinking they had discovered some sort of fountain of youth on the Dell that they spent half of their graduation money on (the other half was clearly spent on cheap weed and Busch Light. Hence that summer was FUCKING AWESOME!). What most of them didn't know was that they were sitting amongst an internet porn Dalai Lama.

I started to learn that while I was way behind on banging high school cheerleaders in the football locker room, I was WAY ahead on watching 30 year olds pretend to be cheerleaders and get gangbanged by dudes that would be thrown in the slammer if they even got close to a high school locker room (unless you count Jay Wall, he would have fit perfect in those movies). I started adding some real life interesting/strange sexual experiences onto my chalkboard of knowledge (that I will hopefully share with you on future blogs) and I decided that I should finally take it to the "streets" (read: blogspot).

Since then I have dedicated my life to the study (not to be confused with fromthestudy.wordpress.com) of understanding and implementing the letter "S" into an everyday life belief system (read: Tao).

Amen to Tsao...

Day In The Life Of A Validation Engineer

Work is typically pretty boring. There aren’t a lot of things that interest me on a personal level in my day to day duties.

Example: I’m writing an SOP (standard operating procedure) for the operation of a pure steam generator. Here is a sample. “Press the Auto key. If the chiller control calls for cooling and all safety interlocks are closed, the unit will start. The compressor(s) will load and unload in response to the temperature of the leaving chilled water temperature…”

But every once in a while I find a gem: “NPSH can be defined as the head that causes liquid to flow through the suction piping and finally enter the eye of the impeller”

I will be the first to admit that my mind is pretty much constantly in the gutter, but it doesn’t take much of an imagination to find that one funny.

Kung Fu Fighting Pacifist

I had a pretty long discussion the other day with a good friend and former roommate of mine, and as per usual we discussed morality. We discussed one of the old questions that I haven't put much thought into in quite some time "Is there an absolute truth". By this I mean, is there a right and a wrong that transcends all cultural boundaries?

Just yesterday I decided "no". Morality is an idea that is entirely foreign to all life forms except humans. I will concede that, although it is completely invented within the minds of humans' greatest thinkers, it is also completely necessary to our survival as a species.

I could spend the rest of my life trying to justify this and elaborate further, but sadly I lack the vocabulary/educational fortitude to withstand a truly serious discussion or debate. Instead I will just run with what I have given you thus far, and you can do with it what you please.

Here is a bit of rhyme and reason: We as humans believe that we are a gift (be it from a god, deity, or something I know not of) and that our life has a purpose, but even some of the most profound theories regarding our existence rarely take into mind scaling. That we live in and perceive a VERY small amount of what is actually real. For instance, the size of the earth in comparison to the size of the universe: observable universe is 1.9298727 x 10^19 times (roughly 1900,000,000,000,000,000) bigger than the Earth (Data was stolen, sorry I didn't reference it. You want a reference, go read wikipedia. But good luck finding any stories about a potential 3some there). By that I mean bigger than your mind can grasp. So let's use a comparison. If the Earth were the size of a marble (1.25 cm in diameter) then the observable universe would be 25.5 light years in diameter. That is about as far away as the bright star Vega (25.3 light years away). On the flip side of that coin, the size of a human in comparison to the size to a hydrogen atom (which isn't even close the smallest measurable object) is 10^-10 times smaller. (.0000000001 times) Again a relationship that is far to small in magnitude for our silly sets of brain synapses (read: thoughts) to comprehend.

I'd like to take a quick second to say that humans are not the mathematical mean between the largest and smallest measurement. This is a silly lie that "scientific christians" love to tell people, because how many church goers are going to debate what they can't comprehend. The universe is constantly expanding. The smallest measurable thing is not getting smaller. I'm only a math minor, but I'm pretty sure that the mathematical mean is increasing. Not hovering around 2 meters.

Continuing: All of these measurements are estimations at a speed much, much, much smaller than the speed of light. We can safely call it zero for this mental exercise. But as you approach the speed of light, time and distances are no longer constants. Lengths decrease and time increases.

We don't really need to understand any of that to understand my point though. All I'm saying is that we are the result of an energy differential. A flow from a higher energy source to a lower energy source. The 2nd law of thermal dynamics. Entropy in a word.

Stick with me for just a bit longer.

What I'm really pushing for is the acceptance that "this is it". Everything that you do/experience/perceive is all that you get. Nothing afterwards and nothing before.

There is only one real problem with that theory. You can't sell it. Nobody wants to be told that there isn't something better waiting for them. No eternal reward. That would mean that we have nothing to gain or lose by our actions on this mortal coil (I've really got to quit quoting that or learn another Shakespeare line or two). I say that isn't true. We truly have nothing left to lose, and as Janis Joplin told us, that is freedom. Freedom to make whatever we would like out of our lives. To toss it in the trash or enrich it to the best of our abilities. There is no father figure morality waiting for us to screw up. We are the father (or mother) and the holder of our life's paint brush. Now go out and learn to master that stroke.

...yep, just ended that with a masturbation joke.



I really need some pot out here.

Proud To Be An...To Live In America

I've been running my mouth about letting go for quite some time now. But rarely do I take a second to add some perspective.

We all have our problems, be it the struggles of a European school of economics, our whitewater raft not showing up on time, being stuck in a shitty Midwest city that is cold and rainy, or not being able to thrust our way into the cavities of our female of choice, etc, etc, etc. And these all seem incredibly valid until you venture outside of your preconceived notions of what is fair and just. I got that tonight.

Walking to "Copps", the local grocery in my hotel mini-mall area, I noticed a Russian hole-in-the-wall restaurant. Went in and took a seat. An incredibly attractive, sharp featured blond sat me and brought me a giant glass of beer. So far...so good. All I needed now was an "in" to get a picture for my blog/partner in crime.

By the end of the meal things were looking grim, and then a man sitting at the next table that had been speaking what I had assumed was Russian to the watress turned to me and said (add Russian accent) "That is a very good beer. It comes from my home town" So I check out the label: Latvia. Damn, I wasn't even close...or was I...I don't know...FUCK YOU Mrs. Ulman and your inability to teach me world geography at a catholic school.

We get to chatting for about 30 minutes, and in that time I get a quite a bit of his life story. He moved from Latvia at the age of 20 to move to Norway. He grew tired of Norway and moved to Wisconsin in 2001. He has lived in a couple different places within Wisconsin since then, but really enjoys Madison because this particular restaurant makes food (add Latvian accent) "just like his mother".

Long story short: I asked him why he came to [The] America.

"Because a friend told me that I could work for 3 month and buy a car and a TV. I didn't believe him, but I came here and it is so perfect"

I guess it is pretty easy to "let go" when we all work to feed our enjoyment instead of our survival...





Sorry I didn't get a pic. She was the owners girlfriend.

"OK"

Ok comes from the phrase "All Correct". It became OK instead of AC because it was started in a time when literacy was not the norm...

Ok...I lied. There is a bit of a moral/message (read: tsaoism) to my last story.

It is a way of looking at "farewells". She leaves with her joys and problems and I leave with mine. Alone, I look down my own road, and she, hers.

Peoples paths often cross ever so briefly when we meet at the crossroads of friendship, but that makes those friendships no less important. We must take advantage of this support and sharing in a mutually beneficial way. When we take from somebody, we should try to give back (although I strongly disagree with being quantitative about this. This isn't a collection competition). I say this not just about "biker" and I, but everyone that I met and enjoyed in Hamilton (you too Darby).

Nobody should lean on somebody or expect to carry somebody down the road of life. Each one of us must walk our own path. Friends should walk side by side without burdening or depending upon one another. If I can do something for somebody, then I should do so without any hesitation or expectation of reward or dept. If there is something that I ought to learn, I should except it with humility.

Nothing is eternal with regard to carbon based forms (read: us tsaoist, down to the simplest single cell organisms). Transience is what gives our lives depth. Anyone that never braved the cold outside of their mothers womb would not have the chance to experience the wonders of ordered electron flow (read: internet porn). Everyone is responsible for his or her life. There is no road to walk but your own.

I have chosen to show you a portion of my path because we are all masters of our own destiny, and even a master (be it a master of art, athletics, thought or...umm...porn) builds off of ideas stolen from other masters.

Brestos

Du? Dose? Svy? Fuck It...Part 2

Wake up to alarm…6:10. No fucking way! Not on my last day. Reset alarm…

Finally get up, do some DIH internet surfing (thank for the urbandictionary on that one Germs), shower and then head down for breakfast. It’s biscuits and gravy, which happens to be my favorite Bitterroot Inn meal. Swing by the gas-n-go for a pink lemon Xyience and finally make it to work around an hour and a half late.

I actually had a lot of work to do due to my week’s worth of short-timers syndrome, so I buckle down and start getting after it. About 10AM my mind is wandering and I decide to check up on last night’s cougar situation.

Text to Mex: What was the cougs name again?

Text from Mex: It should be Trixie…

Damn! He was golden! How the hell did he drop the ball?

Text to Biker: So are you going to return the favor?

She sends back a face pic of her smiling. Damn! I guess that is why he dropped the ball. I was determined though.

Text to Biker: Want to do lunch. But without the food.

Text from Biker: Sorry can’t, I have two clients.

(Did I say she was a hair stylist? …she was a hair stylist.)

So instead of a nooner, I go back to the hotel and have some Taco Johns (I’m not saying they are on the same level. But close, really close.). I finish eating and go back to work to get crackin on more Word documents. Mid afternoon I realize that I better go pick up some tickets for that nights am-boxing and MMA event at the fairgrounds, so I try my luck again.

Text to Biker: How about an afternoon delight?

Text from Biker: I have a client at 4 o’clock.

(It was 3:25)

Text to Biker: I’ll bet we can be quick.

Text from Biker: I’m at the bank, I’ll meet you at your hotel.

I think I literally popped out of my chair, grabbed my keys and left a cloud of dust in the spot I was sitting. Let all 4 of the STi’s tires spin on a couple corners, and I was at the hotel within 5 minutes. She was just getting out of the car when I pulled up.

Biker: You are a crazy man.

Me: Ya…but you showed up to meet this crazy man.

We weren’t in the room 2 minutes before my clothes were on the ground. After a sub-par attempt at fellatio, her clothes joined mine on the floor, and we had a wild (albeit quick) romp that only put her about 2 minutes late for her client’s appointment.

Sorry folks. No Tsao moral to this story.

Last Day In Ham-Town USA

Thursday night I went out and had my final Thursday Night Beers at the local brewery with a number of people from work. Got a little lit up and was more than ready to continue the ballyhoo, so we made our way over to The Office. There were a number of people from the brewery at the place including a drunken cougar/biker (spandex and water bottles, not drunken fatty at Sturgis) that was flirting with my Mexican prior to us changing boozing establishments. After a quick pep talk Mex was ready to pounce, but sadly he conversed with her as though he wanted to formally court this beast of the woods. I then took it upon myself to speed up the night’s entertainment.

(Foreword: this dialog is as I remember it…under the influence of drinks that make “hooowwss we gunnnner geeet yyyeeeew into tarrrmeeaaany” sound a lot like “how about we get you out of these wet clothes and into a dry martini” to me.)

Me: I’ll bet you are just about in heaven right now sitting between a strong, clean-cut Mexican and a sexy stoner surfer.

Biker: Oh god ya! Are you guys single?

(I LOVE when someone shows me their hand prior to playing a game of cards. She might as well say "I'm yours to toy with for the remainder of the night".)

Me: Hell ya we are!

Biker: You have to stay that way! Never commit!

Me: Lady, you are preaching to the converted…

From here on out I’m not exactly sure on the order of things happening, but luckily I wrote a couple things down prior to going to sleep for blogging purposes in the morning.

Me (to biker): If you want a slow and passionate kisser who is a romantic lover, Mex is your man. But if you want a kisser that bites and a sexual ninja that brings “…a box of toys that you’ll enjoy, feathers to tease, vibrating stuff, a pair of cuffs and anal beads”, well then I’m your man.

Biker: I OWN ANAL BEADS! I’ve never used them, but I want to try!

(I knew that song was going to pay off someday!)

Biker: Do you just stuff them in and then yank them out?

Me: Damn lady! You aren’t starting a mower...your goal is to orgasm!

This sort of nonsense went on for quite a while and I finally went home and left the cougar in the caring hands or Rico Suave (Mex), but not before sending her a naked pic of myself (for future collecting) and setting up a nooner for my last full day in Ham-town.

I went home and wrote down a number of the things I wanted to make sure to get into my blog. They all made sense to me, even though they were written in cryptic drunken scribe. Well, all of them but one…it was just the word “Prison”. Holy fuck, what the hell was I trying to tell a future/sober version of me!?!? I still haven't a clue...

That night I sent a text to my Lawyer: Should have good coug blogging material for tomorrow

He replied: DON’T TEASE ME BRO!

Thanks Lawyer, I laughed myself to sleep

Tomorrow: The exciting (if the reader is lucky) conclusion to my Hamilton stay!

Campground Rules

Well I just got settled into the construction trailer here in Madison Wisconsin to get going on some validation work (read: shit tons of paper work to assure the FDA that we know how to kill trees). Let me give you a little taste: “Purpose: To provide a written procedure for the standard format of Standard Operating Procedures or Forms.” I swear GmP (good manufacturing practices) stands for “get more paper”. This validation work I’m performing is incredibly important because without it, Mentor Biologics would not be able to sell their version of Botox, fake titties and male enhancement products. Anybody reading this should brace themselves for the next time we meet, as I will be sporting a beautiful set of perky C-cups.

Moving on…

I’ve divulged so many specifics of Tsaoism thus far, but sadly I have neglected one of the core beliefs: The Campground Rule. This is a very simple guideline that states “Leave it in better condition than you found it”. Once this guideline is married with the three big Sexual-Never-Go-Theres (Animals, Scat and Children), I think you have a strong foundation to build your future relationshits upon. No longer are you bound by the gray area questions of whether or not a situation is acceptable. People’s accusations of somebody being too old, too young, too fat, etc will no longer hold water against your beliefs built in solid logic. If you enjoy it, and you leave it in better condition than you found it, then there really isn’t any reason that you should put another seconds worth of thought into your decision.

At first I thought this was just a great idea, now I know it is a great idea AND a funny metaphor.

The Woods: The hordes of females that are scattered across the world.

Breaking a new camp: Taking a virginity.

Using a campsite: Sex.

Leaving garbage behind: Giving an STD.

Ruining a campsite: Getting a girl pregnant.

Campsite restoration project: Showing somebody that sex can be fun when it isn’t with your stepdad in the back of a single-wide trailer.

As the leader of the Tsao belief system, I’m now going to appoint myself as the Sexual Forest Service Campsite Chief Inspector. I’ll be assuring that campground patrons adhere to LNT (leave no trace) guidelines for single night stays, as well as leave the campground in better condition that it was found for extended stays. These rules must be followed in order to keep the great outdoors (read: vaginas and penises) beautiful for our generation and generations to cum. Remember, how we treat campsites today will directly impact the number of mountain lions (read: cougs) that will occupy the woods in the future.

The following picture is a campsite comment card:

Let’s keep [The] America beautiful!

Summer Shenanigans

A lot of people have opinions about cougars. What the proper hunting techniques are, catch and release policies, etc, etc. I steer clear of putting much thought into these particular queries and instead let the pitchers or Blue Moon and sacks of winey goodness make these decisions. I do this for one very simple reason: To free up the small amount of memory still available in my booze clouded cranium. This allows me to store snippets of the night for simple chuckles and laughs down the road.

This is one of my favorites:

Railyard. Summer 2006.

Lawyer and I are moments from giving up on the parking lot scene when I’m beckoned to the concrete patio.

Sandy (we’ll call her that because that is her name): I just wanted to tell you that you are the hottest guy in the bar.

Me: How would you like to take the hottest guy in the bar back to your place?

Sandy: I don’t do one night stands…

Me: That’s ALL I do.

Sandy: Can I have just a kiss?

Me: You’re getting tongue…

(Time passes. Hard to say how long)

Me: I’m going to walk you to your car, and then you can make the right decision and invite me to your place.

On the way to her car, which was over by YVBC, I pulled her into every businesses doorway. It was warm out, but I didn’t mind warming my hands in her pants along the way.

Once we arrived at her car she called a cab, as we both had our fair share of drinks (and smokes for me). While we waited, we dry humped in her car and went to a parking lot with a bunch of tires and forklifts and pissed on things.

That’s right folks, she will dry hump in a car that resembles her personal smoke-filled trash receptacle and piss on tractor equipment with me but not take me home. I guess that goes back to the saying “you can’t say overreacting without saying ovary”.

The end of our relationship came moments later when the cab pulled up and she came over for one last kiss. I stepped to the plate, slipped my hand into her pants and started rubbing her panties…

Me: You sure you don’t need some bedroom company?

(a minute of biting her lip and some serious mental deliberation)

Sandy: I can’t!

I sometimes wonder if that cab ride home was cold. I had those panties SOAKED! She was 42.

Updated

Well, as it currently stands, this is my last week in Hamilton Montuckey, so I’m going to put together a little wrap-up status report. Just a little "here’s the state of things" as I roll onto bigger and other things.

After a good discussion with the GZA yesterday, I decided that I needed to buff up on my herpes knowledge. If you haven’t already, I highly recommend it. I discovered quite the goldmine of info regarding both simplex 1 and simplex 2. Turns out that simplex 1 (cold sores) can give you the ball blisters, and likewise the red genital itch stickers (simplex 2) can blossom into a fine set of lip sores. Who knew?

Welcome to a safer and more learned version of me.

The moral of the story is thus: Kevin will not be able to confirm/deny any of X-t’s self proclaimed dick sucking abilities (and she sounds like she knows her way around a man’s transmission). While it is a bit of a tragedy that I will not be able to end this life chapter with a slow-motion, wide angle pan on my “O” face, it will be nice to remain herpes free. Tsao is about change. Herpes is about staying the same way for the rest of your life. Thanks…but no thanks.

This week I will also be taking a lot of time to really just sit back and take it all (read: booze and weed) in. Got my running club each night, which is a small group of us that like to jog together and then enjoy a beer afterwards. Sort of a bummer that I’m leaving so soon, as it just got warm enough to get this going in the evenings with sufficient sunlight. Wednesday will be another fine evening spent watching a UFC Fight Night at the local “sports” bar that refuses to turn the volume up on anything other than the news and talk shows. This being said, it looks like I’m in for a handful of very drunken longboard rides back to the hotel at night.

More than anything though, I’m going to refrain from freaking about my future employment whereabouts and live in the moment. No need to succumb to the constant complaining of my coworkers. Like a twig on the shoulders of the mighty Mississippi, just going to go with the flow.