Decade

I recently crossed the finish line of my 27th year on earth (sans the womb).

I now enter my 28th year of life.

28 is a composite number with its proper divisors being 1, 2, 4, 7 and 14. 28 is a perfect number (it is the sum of its divisors [1+2+4+7+14=28]). The last time I was a perfect number I was 6. The next time I'll be a perfect number I'll be 496 years old, and I'll probably be nutrient rich soil by then. That or paved over for a sweet parking lot of a movie theater (or whatever they call it then) that will be showing Final Destination 2505. Holy piss that movie is going to rock.

Time to reflect on a thing or two that has driven me to such a perfect age. I'll spare the details I don't remember and stick to the last decade of life (18-28).

-In the last 10 years, I've managed to cure myself of Catholicism. This is one of the biggest accomplishments of my life, although it wasn't ever a direct motive of mine. Religion and god(s) had always been an easy out. If we don't have an answer, the answer must be god(s). I was soon finding out that there is a very definitive order to my world and beyond. Although I didn't (read: don't) always understand said order, I do know that it exists. Existence is bigger than me. I will never understand it all, but I should never cease to attempt to understand. Lesson: Nothing just is. Nothing is divine.

-In the last ten years I've discovered myself. The first 18 years I was often doing things in order to appease others (parents, friends, teachers, people that wanted to beat my ass, etc). I now have an understanding that "selfishness" is not a bad thing. It can lead to many undesirable consequences when acted upon with short sightedness, but it is also the only thing that makes a person who they are. A robot can perform tasks. Lesson: Be selfish with the wisdom of long term aspirations (read: don't be a dick).

-I started doing jiu jitsu to become a ninja. Sadly, my life as a contractor put the brakes on that idea. About a year ago I took part in a relay race in Seattle in order to be in a van of wild people that are always willing to laugh. The running part was just a thorn on the rose of good times. Since then, I have continued to run and work out. After getting over the "holy piss I'm going to die if I don't get oxygen soon" phase, I found that a routine of increased cardiovascular activity has benefited my life quite dramatically. I have more energy in and out of work. My attitude has improved drastically throughout the course of the day. And the greatest gem of all is that my sexual prowess has gone through the roof. Lesson: A little ninja goes a long way. Don't fall for lethargy.

-I have learned to work out my brain. Every day is a chance to become better. I don't mean this in a "smartest person wins" frame of mind. I mean PMA (positive mental attitude for the noobs). Each day you can work to avoid the emotions that release negative chemicals into the brain (fear, jealousy, anger, etc) and replace them with endorphin releasing emotions (laughter, accomplishment, sense of pride, friendship, etc). I've learned to practice logic and reason. To not jump on the first emotional impulse my brain fires at me (sentence fragment). We were all born with a set of "go to" reactions. With a little bit of practice each day, I can become the person I want to be, not the person I'm just going to default to. Lesson: Strive to be exceptional, not exceptionally right.

-In the last decade, I had sex with 5 different decades of women (teen, 20's, 30's, 40's and 50's). Lesson: No lesson really, just bragging. Wait...not sure if that is brag worthy. I guess it is just an exercise in PMA. Tsaoism for life!

Presidential MC

I shall go by the name of Alexander "Got Kicked Out of.." Hamilton.



















I was never naked in a drug manufacturing clean room.

f[RED]

I'm in love with a girl named Fred,
she lives out on the street;
she eats straight from the garbage can,
but dates are pretty cheap!

"F" to the "R" to the "E" to the "D", F-R-E-D FRED!

I'm in love with a girl named Fred,
she suffers from turrets;
she's cute as hell and sweet as a bell,
and nev...ASS CUNT!!!

"F" to the "R" to the "E" to the "D", F-R-E-D FRED!

I'm in love with a girl named Fred,
and she's a Siamese twin;
together they make one good whore,
double A to double M!

"F" to the "R" to the "E" to the "D", F-R-E-D FRED!

Ping Pong Bowling

I'm a master of basement games.

I have not clue why that last pin stayed up.




Now they just quake in fear at the sheer sight of me.








Kevin: 1
Cans: 0

Nice Try God(s)

Recently the forces of nature have been trying to keep my spirits down. Nothing too serious. Just some interesting turns of events.

The first is my attempt to stimulate the Costa Rican economy. This was not entirely a consensual agreement between me and that country. I did in fact try to reinvigorate their economic system with the purchasing Costa Rican cervezas in quantities that would give an iron gut some shits that resemble hot brown yogurt. I didn't agree to the 8 store shopping spree though.

As far as I know, I somehow dropped my Health Savings Account debit card. I make this assumption with the above stated knowledge of economic stimulation (read: I was drunk for quite a while and with intense regularity). I checked around the stores that I thought I could have dropped it but to no avail. Being a purpose driven individual (read: likes to laugh) I decided to not worry about it until I got back to [The] America and just enjoy the trip. Upon my return to work I called in the lost card.

Me: I want to report my card as stolen.

Credit Card Lady: Ok, when was your last transaction.

Me: A couple months ago

CC Lady: Well it looks like somebody has been using your card in Costa Rica.

The lady then rambles off the list of 8 vendors that had been visited in this Keev sponsored shopping spree (You're welcome Costa Rica if you are reading).

The list reads something like this: Mr. Latte, Tienda Sole, Gasolinera, Maxibobega, TCBY, Bahia Surf Sk8, Payless Shoe and Pali Santa Cruz for a grand total of $1,400 spend on January 2nd.

The "good" news is that this is a HSA card which is more or less a debit card. So instead of going $1,400 into debt, I've just lost the money I already had for medical and in turn will just not be able to get as sick in the coming year. Cheers to good health mates!

I don't blame the person going on the shopping spree for his or her actions. They were probably from Nosara where it is quite poor, but where the poor is surrounded by [The] Americans with money. He/she decided to live the life for a day. More power to him/her.

...but Payless Shoes?! WTF?! It's a STOLEN card. You might as well pick up a pair of Snoop Dogg NowAndLater gators. I guess everyone is feeling the recession.


The other force of nature that has been trying to bring me down is my epidermis's total disrespect for the race I'm going to take part in down in Phoenix.

I went to a local MMA show in Billings this last weekend. Once again I saw a bunch of the dudes that I rolled with back when I was still doing BJJ (also a girl fight which was awesome w00t!). After the fight I went and congratulated a friend that won a fight via triangle against a dude that out weighed him by 10 lbs at the weigh-ins and had a 18-3 record out of Minnesota.

Me: Sweet fight dude! Whooped some ass again.

Z: Thanks! Why do I always see you at the fights but never training with us.

Me: I'm only around on the weekends.

Z: Let's roll tomorrow at 2pm.

Me: Word

So the next day I threw in my mouth guard and did some rolling with him. It was great. I'm a bit bigger than him but we roll with similar styles and we are about equal on the bjj skillz. He tapped me out just in time to see another kid show up at the gym to return some mats he had borrowed. This kid is 15 years old and really knows how to tap bitches out.

The kid threw on a some gi pants and then started to make me look like his bitch. He tapped me out five times in a row. Not only that, but he used the same move each time too. He would push me around a bit until I turtled up and then he would steal and arm. If I was slow to protect it, he would armbar the crap out of me. If I protected it, he would bicept-crush me en route to victory. All of this would happen while I burned off the layer of my feet with mat burns.

Mat burns typically aren't really a problem unless you have a 1/2 marathon to run in the following week...which I did. Even with full bandages that little high schooler was able to turn my feet into a mess that only 13.1 miles can make you appreciate. I finished in 1hr 52min and successfully beat you-know-who that was doing it on a treadcheater (if the link doesn't work, my brother may be unemployed again).


I have no clue where this post was going. I started writing it weeks ago and can't really remember the theme I was going for. I also don't really care. I just don't want it sitting as a draft until I'm old.

So with no further hesitation, I give you the most obvious book title ever conceived:

It Really Works

There are a lot of things on the internet that I consider to be of very little human value: lolcatz, comment sections of virtually all blogs with over 100,000 readers a year (fear not, I just broke the 2,000 mark), any site with the word "free" associated with it and craigslist's personals section.

My beliefs were proven wrong though...

Remember my most recent night of fornicating football fumblings? Come on, you remember the one.....

Well to the best of my recollection, Remington had yelled back at me as she was running out the bar door the last time I saw her.

Rem: Find me on craigslist!

I didn't remember this when I first woke up in the morning (too busy trying to rectify bad decisions made the night before). I think it was on the drive home that I was able to piece that little tidbit back together.

At first it seemed a bit silly, but I went back to the old adage that I've been preaching about "letting go" of the thoughts that we hold so sacredly. I must commit to learning from the past, enjoying the present for what it is and being totally open to the infinite possibilities of an unknown future.

So I posted a missed connection (paraphrased):

Sean Kelly's miss...Male 27
You said that you didn't do one night stands, so maybe we could try to make it a 2 or 3 night ordeal. Get a hold of me if you want to give it a try.

And now I play the waiting game!

Luckily for me that game was a short one, because within a week I get this in my inbox:

Hey, I think I am the girl you're looking for from Sean Kelly's. You were with a big group of guys hanging at the end of the bar. I think you said you were from Billings? Were you the one with the long blonde hair? I think I put my head under your shirt?? Is any of this sounding familiar? I was the tall blonde with a thing for chest hair? If this is you..........SO HOT! Get back to me and let me know!
xoxo-[Remington]

SO HOT right now! w00t!

This is the part of the blog that you as the reader probably think I'm going to break off into some sweet Hustler Forum-esque type rant about how my dick has been staying wet since that day. Not the case. I've actually been quite unsuccessful at minimizing the geographical distance between the two of us. I just really wanted to share this little bit of info with you, so that the next time you talk down upon the [The] America's favorite classified ads you realize it works. It really does work.




Oh ya, this is also a preface to a sweet Hustler Forum-esque type rant about how my dick has been staying quite wet...