It’s back to the real world for me today as I’m sitting in the MSP airport waiting for my connecting flight to Madison. Sitting here is much better than sitting middle seat of the exit row on my flight from BIL to MSP. Here’s the scoop: I sit down in my assigned 7A seat with nobody in the 7B and a large dude in the 7C seat. After everyone is on board we give each other the knowing “Dude, we rock and have 3 seats for the 2 of us” look. It wasn’t but a split second after that that I look around and notice that a flight attendant is pointing at me (Let me take a second to state that I use the term flight attendant simply to remain PC. They are not flight attendants. The plane full of passengers and I are the ones that are “attending” the flight. They are working the flight. But because of the growing hypersensitivity of our [The] American culture, it is no longer acceptable to refer to them by their initial tag…whores). The lady says “please change seats with this kid” who is too young to sit in an exit row, and allow the mother/daughter pair to sit next to each other in my delightful double spot.
For my attempt at generosity I get a big ‘ol bag of reverse Karma and I’m stuck between two big dudes. Sandal man and Scotchy McDrinksAlot. Sandal man was cool and racked out within minutes. Scotchy McDrinksAlot needed to start probing me.
Scotchy: Wheres ares you goooooin…
Me: Madison WI. I work there during the week, but live in Billings.
Scotchy: You musts make banks!
Me: …
Scotchy: So what does you do out theres?
Me: I work for a company doing FDA start-ups for drug companies. I’m working at one now that makes another form of Botox.
Scotchy: I’m 46. Look at my face. Should I get some of that face shit done?
Me: I don’t know, I’m just helping the company get started and I’m not really into any of that cosmetic surgery.
Scotchy: So are you sayins that I should or shouldn’t?
Me: Lay off the McDonalds, booze and saturated fats for about 2 years and I think you would look 10 years younger.
So I didn’t really say that last part, but I’ll be damned if I didn’t want to. It’s just that I REALLY didn’t want to get kicked off of an airplane for being the first guy to triangle choke a drunken dude in an exit row after he attacked me. Instead I acted tired and tried to fall asleep in a seat that smelled like any seat on a downtown subway without the added bonus urine smell (Did I mention that this was an 11:25AM flight? It was.). I was fairly successful in this endeavor with only one small interruption from Scotchy (presumably his buzz was wearing off).
Scotchy (to flight attendant): Can I buy a scotch on the rocks?
Woman Holding Order Ready Edibles (flight attendant): One moment…
(a minute or two goes by before she returns)
Scotchy: Can I get that drink I ordered?
W.H.O.R.E: Sir, I can’t sell you that drink because you are seated in an exit row.
Scotchy: Why not?!?!
W.H.O.R.E: Because you must assist others in the event of an accident (presumably an accident besides letting this ass clown on the airplane), and I can clearly smell that you have already been drinking this morning.
Scotchy: Oh…
W.H.O.R.E: Would you like to buy a box of snacks for $5?
Scotchy: No…
It was at this point that I continued to appear asleep as I didn’t want to be the recipient of a barrage of non-coherent babblings about how he should be able to have a drink when he wants to.
I know some of you were worried that he might have to sober up before getting in a car and driving somewhere once he got to his hometown of MSP, but fear not, he STUMBLED off of the plane after that 2 hour flight.
4 HOURS LATER
My plane to Madison was supposed to be a quick 55 minute ordeal. Turns out this was just not a good day to fly for me.
We all load the plane at 5PM. Upon walking on the plane I instantly notice that it is REALLY warm. I take my seat in the first row (no first class on this plane) and wait for a big fat hot person to sit next to me. This never happens, but the stewardess (she wasn’t a W.H.O.R.E yet. She only had one stripe on her shoulder) comes on the intercom and tells us “the AC is not working on the plane so please keep the windows closed to reduce heat.” I don’t have anyone sitting next to me (read: sweet double seat for me), but they put the crazy screaming baby right behind me (read: balances any sweet out). We proceed to sit on the plane for about 45 minutes in that heat without pushing away from the gate when the captain tells us “we are waiting on a fuel truck in order to get a bit more fuel to fly around some storms.” The captain then tells us to go back into the terminal and wait there where it isn’t as hot. We are only in the terminal for about 15 minutes before they rescan us all back onto the plane. After another 15 minutes of hot cabin waiting and taxiing, we are finally airborne. For our suffering they give us a free alcoholic beverage. I got a beer and it was tasty. Mainly because I was so GD hot at that point.
As we approach Madison, once again the captain comes on. “We are waiting for some storms to move out of Madison, but with the extra fuel we should be able to circle for about 20 minutes and let all the weather blow off to the east.” He was right about the fuel, but sadly not about the weather. We circle for exactly 20 minutes and then take off for LaCrosse Wisconsin. Another 30 minutes of hot ass airplane and we land.
This would have been a great time to get out, cool down and stretch the legs a bit, but sadly we didn’t get that opportunity. One of the grounds crew people came running up to the plane and told us “TSA has already gone home from this airport, so anybody that gets off of the plane will not be allowed back on.” 2 fat drunk dudes tap out immediately. As they pass I got a great big wiff of sweaty balls and the glorious sight of two guys’ backsides that look like they have been soaked with a wet rag. Moments later 4 more people tap out.
We just continue to sit on the tarmac with the door open for some seriously weak attempts at AC when I notice a smell that is very unbecoming and not quite the sent of sweat, fear and hatred for NWA that I had grown accustomed to over the last couple hours.
Lady behind me (to the stewardess): Is there any way we can get off the plane to get a new diaper and change my daughter.
Ahhhhh…the smell of baby shit in a sweat soaked airplane. Just can’t beat a smell like that. I try to distract myself by attempting to unweld my jeans from my now rashing ass.
We get refueled and get our safety speech for the 3rd time for this plane. Then right before taking off we get a knock on the door and quick stroke of luck. One of the ground crew had driven to the store and bought diapers and some wipes. It may still be hot, we may still be tired of that fucking aluminum tube we are all stuck in, but it no longer smelled like body processed peas and carrots. And for that I rejoiced.
We taxi to the end of the runway, where once again the captain comes on the PA (his voice was on the PA, he didn’t ejaculate on the PA…as far as I know). “Looks like another storm is blowing into Madison. We are going to wait this one out on the ground.” So we sit…again.
Finally we get into the air, do some flying things and land in Madison. 10:30PM. Damn it feels “good” to be “home”.
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1 comment:
Holy fucking shit does that sound shitty. I'm sitting on the toilet right now and I erupted nastiness out of my anus and I think I know the smell you were forced to deal with for a long while. Fortunately for me I can just turn around and flush. But because you're my brother and I love you: I will not.
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