Record Bitch!

Now I'm not sure if there is an official company record/stat for the longest E-brake performed in a rental car. But if there is, I'm pretty sure I just shattered the shit out of it. I'm talking serious business here! I dropped a solid 100 feet of thick blueish smoke accompanied by a death shriek that can only come from tires burning into oblivion. If you were behind me during this, my finest moment, you would have assumed that you were playing a game of Spy Hunter and Tommy Gun would have instinctively popped onto the radio in time for my smoke screen to send you spinning out of control out into the corn fields.


The part that they never told us when we were kids blasting away at that 8-bits of wonder is that a car cannot perform under such duress for any extended amount of time. As soon as I released the E-brake and attempted to continue on my merry little way, the car gave way to shudders that would have woken a coma patient or vibrated a female into a puddle of her own excitement. Sadly the only person getting wet was the crazy used car salesman that I had to purchase a set of used tires off of the next day.


Funny side note: The guy I bought the tires off of was in fact an insane old man that looked and acted like Santa Clause on drugs. At one point I'm standing there watching him change out the tires at a rate of 1 tire per hour (with the aid of me in business casual attire running the air wrench) when a dude that was clearly addicted to meth strolls into the garage...

Methy: What are you going to do with those truck toppers you got in the back.

Santa: I'm going to wait until it gets cold and build a big igloo out of them. Then I'm going to invite all the Eskimos down for a big party. Then we're going to cook a human and eat him as a sacrifice...

Methy: ...

Santa: Are you here to be the sacrifice?

Methy: No

Santa: ...

Methy: ...

Santa: ...

Methy: Are you selling them?

Santa: Ya, $100.