Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Sarasota FL

Settle down readers! No need to get all huffy and puffy just because I haven't been stuck in a town with little to nothing for me to do except blog. I'm now back in a town where I don't know a soul, and it will finally allow me to sit on my ass and do what I really enjoy: Sitting on my ass writing about stuff that makes me chuckle enough to forget I'm missing out on great things in other parts of the world (the lack of comedy central and spikeTV also insures that I don't veg out too much).

I looked up a nice little Mexican restaurant close to my hotel, borrowed my coworker's convertable (Chrysler Sebring, don't get too excited), and went to enjoy some of my favorite ethnic food. As I was drinking in the sights (senoritas that make my pants want to get up and salsa dance), sounds (the total lack of birthday singing mariachi bands) and Pacificos, I noticed a couple getting ready to eat. Not by wetting their whistles with margaritas, but by holding hands and speaking to an entity that they have never seen any proof of it's existance (or so I presume...hahaha).

I really don't have any problems with this other than the complete lack of logic. Why thank something for the food in front of you other than the people that were directly responsible for putting that food there. "Higher entity" didn't plant the seed, fertilize, water, harvest, raise the cow for slaughter, transport, prep, cook or deliver that chimichunga to your table. People did that. If you really want to give thanks to somebody/something responsible for your dining, just politely say thank you to the waitress.

But perhaps that isn't enough for you, and you don't have the time to thank the cooks, truck drivers, farmers and ranchers. You just desperately need to thank something that doesn't exist but is still able to give you the warm fuzzies. I propose you thank the primary source of external energy that our earth sees: The Sun.

I realize I've sort of proposed a dilemma for the fun loving christians of [The] America. You are now thanking (read: worshiping) the sun. Some call it Apollo.

Damn, I guess that doesn't make the religious folk of today much different than those of yester-lore: worshiping that which they don't understand.

...because it doesn't exist.

While at the fine Mexican restaurant I also discovered a startling fact about St. Francis, that lovable ass-clown that spent his life with the animals instead of getting a real job (these days they call him "rat-man" or "cat-woman" and send him/her to the state mental hospital). Well it turns out that Mr. Fran had a trick up his sleeve for attracting said animals...


That A-hole had them addicted to cancersticks!

Monday, September 15, 2008

Bukkake Whitewater and Fishing Adventures

Come float Wild and Scenic Rivers and fish Blue Ribbon Trout streams with Bukkake Whitewater and Fishing Adventures.

Bukkake W&FA is operated out of central Montana with access to world-class whitewater, scenic river trips and top-notch trout fishing

You've been with the rest, now come float the best. I am, without a doubt, the BEST rafting and fishing guide in the business and I relish in sharing my knowledge and love of Montana (Also my love of Wyoming, Idaho, Colorado, Washington and Oregon by special permit*). Although I haven't really done a whole lot of fishing myself, I've watched some REALLY good anglers, and it seems like I should have no problem doing what they did.

Bukkake W&FA is also the only premier whitewater adventure in the state of Montana that does not require the signing of a legal waiver! Not only do I not force a legal waiver down your throat, I don't even have insurance. We will spend our day focusing on enjoying the trip and not the legal responsibilities of an intoxicated whitewater/fishing guide. Over the past year, tens of people have satisfied not only their minds, but their spirits and livers on one of my many guided trips.

Bukkake Whitewater and Fishing Adventures has been locally owned and operated out of Billings Montana by Captain Keev since 2008.

Thrilling Whitewater Surfing


Guaranteed Fishing Success**
(Just ask this satisfied client)

Pricing:


1/2 Day Whitewater Adventure - $50 per person (+tax***)
Full Day Scenic...umm...Adventure - $75 per person (+tax***)
Full Day Fishing...what the hell... Adventure - $350 for up to two people (+tax***)

Stop debating and sign up for the adventure of a lifetime! Any one can do can take part in these wild, scenic and fishy good times****. Fun for the entire family is just one click away (or fun for you and your paid escort if a trip away from the family is what you are looking for). Stop purusing the internet for porn, and sign up now!

Slainte,
~Cptn. Keev

*Special permit is $1,000...cash...or $1,000 worth of ZJ's (if you have to ask, you can't afford it).
**Success is determined by the Captain.
***Tax will be payed in the form of a 12 pack of Busch Light.
****No Cops or Parole Officers allowed on Bukkake W&FA trips.