My First Pro Game

I’m struggling today. I think I may have not received the hours of sleep that my body desires, or perhaps my body is just tired of me sending it to work every day without the THC paycheck that I usually reward it with at the close of my workday. Either way, I am sitting down to write at work (7:45AM), because if I don’t, I will soon be drooling on my keyboard and waking up to a document that is 237 pages of the letter “k”. I wish there was at least a female sitting in this trailer with me. Sexual daydreams can get me through the most grueling of days, but they tend to require more than pure imagination this early in the day. Right now my brain only wants to hump a pillow with the side of my head.

I’ve been a horny bastard for as long as I can remember. I’m talking WAY back. Even before my brother (younger) found a huge stack of penthouse magazines in the dumpster so many years ago (Side note: That was prior to penthouse going all soft and shitty and much, much earlier than internet and Victoria Secret catalogs. That was a GREAT summer). It wasn’t until the summer of ’01 that I took my A-game from the batting cages out to the Field of Dreams to see if I could hit in a real life game scenario.

I had just finished my first year at Butte and me and my family were heading up to Missoula for brother-the-elder's graduation ceremony. These trips always meant two things to me: 1) My parents were going to be staying at a hotel, while my younger brother and I were going to be staying at my older brother’s house. 2) I was going to be hurting in the morning.

That night we all went out to…ummm…somewhere. I really have no clue. I just remember my older brother tapping out early, and his roommate Christian asking if I wanted to keep the booze flowing. I did. Christian was with his girlfriend and another girl and they wanted to dance, so we ended up at some dance-club type place and continued to drink. The specifics of the night are far from clear, but I do remember waking up and feeling like there were Mech-warriors doing battle on the surface of my brain. That was the worse graduation I've seen to date. The pain stayed with me for quite some time too. Enough so, that at the end of the day, I was far more jazzed about putting my head down to rest than drinking another PBR.

My brother and I were sleeping on the floor of Matt’s room in sleeping bags, he was out drinking and then the door to the room opened. I’m not sure I even paid any attention until I noticed that it was the girl from the night before. She had just come in to “say goodbye”. I was pretty sure we had covered that the night before, but what the hell, I’ll give her a goodbye hug.

She wasted no time on turning that hug into some tongue wrestling. Damn! This girl was there to get down. Sadly, at this stage in my life, my sexual radar was weak to quite weak to say the least. She was there for meat and I was thinking “boy, this sure is quite the goodbye hug”. This went on for quite a while. I know this because my younger brother was still on the floor and doing his damnedist to make it stop without appearing to really be awake.

Me and (I’m going to need a name here…) Gary’s Seconds: Suck, slurp, smack, suck, kiss, slurp

Annoymous_Blogger: WIGGLE (read: sleeping bag noises)

GS: giggle…

Me and GS: Suck, slurp, smack, suck, kiss, slurp

AB: WIGGLE WIGGLE

Me (in a whisper): Want to go up to the bed?

GS: Ya

We move up to my older brother's bed.

Me and GS: Suck, slurp, smack, suck, kiss, slurp

AB: WIGGLEWIGGLEWIGGLEWIGGLEWIGGLE (gets up, grabs sleeping bag and walks out of the room.)

Well this is all Gary’s Seconds need as far as a green light goes. She slammed the petal to the floor, dumped the clutch and let her tires spin! In no time at all she had removed all of her clothes, all of my clothes and slid herself into missionary position. I though for about 1/32^nd of a second about whether or not I should go through with this, then hipped forward into a new era. An era of Tsaoism. Not to mention hipping forward into a VERY wet vagina. I didn’t know it at the time, but she was soaked (due to my inexperience in the study of coitus). I was just thinking “I wish my hand felt like this”.

I don’t remember much of the details as far as how long it lasted, but I do know that it was purely missionary and void of all other heavy petting. That and I made a potentially grave mistake: I put my custard filling in that éclair. After a awkward discussion of the whereabouts of my man-juice, she gave me a quick lesson on the effectiveness of birth control. Mainly that it isn’t 100%, and that it would have been a much better idea to load elsewhere (Thanks for nothing catholic schools! A lesson in skeet during “health class” would have not only kept my attention, but been applicable to the real world! Jesus sure is a shitty spermicide!).

We both put our clothes back on and say our actual goodbyes and she goes on her way. I crawl back into my sleeping bag and pretend that I’m going to be able to go to sleep (That was awesome…oh fuck is she going to get pregnant…that was awesome…oh fuck is she going to get pregnant, etc). Not long after that my brothers come back into the room that I had previously reserved as a rent by the minute motel, and each went to their respective beds. Younger to the floor, older to his bed…

Older Brother: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS!

Gary’s Seconds had made a bit of a mess. A BIG bit of a mess. A lake to sum it up in one word (not bad for my first “at bat”).

Me: Umm…rest assured that those are all HER liquids.

He bitched and moaned (not the kind of fun moaning that was just in my ear) for a while, then went to the bathroom, grabbed some towels, laid them across Loch Ness and crawled into bed.

Let it be said that I am forever indebted to my older brother for that one. Way to take it like a man-bear-pig (Yes. That is a compliment). I’m serial.

Anonymous_Blogger, I never did apologize for keeping you up that night…

Nope, never did that.