This Is "Your" Blog

First and foremost, thank you all for putting in your two cents worth. I laughed until I cried a number of times. Sure this may have been from the free drinks I was getting at Tony Roma’s Bar & Grill due to my incredible ability to figure out solutions to bar games. None the less, got drunk, laughed really hard.

Here are a few of my favorite submissions bases entirely on the answer (not how it fit into the Tsaolib)

-Nord’s entire submission.

-Anonymous_Blogger’s (who I’m left to assume is somebody other than my brother James) object – woman

-Terry’s objects that collide – Brittany Spear and Nelson Mandela

-Jenelle’s verb ending in ing – clubbing, followed by her next submission of animal – baby seal.

Here is the list with all submissions together:

electronic device – toaster, iPhone, iPod, hair dryer, synthesizer, 8-track player, voice emodulator, mouse, reciprocating bone saw, electric razor.

word(s) to describe climate – foggy, semi-arid, arid, foggy, muggy, balmy, Katrinaish (HAHAH, nice luke), moist, cold and dry with the distinct smell of Douglas Fir, bipolar.

animal part – hoof, beak, hoove, tail, hamhocks (Terry, you are still the only person that I’ve shared the “pleasure” of eating a pickled hamhock with), hoof, horsetail, brisket, bile duct, panda ears.

action – mangle, jump, run, ballin, ice skate, swim, slide, sucker punch, jump.

action – club, dump, clap, freebasin, curtsy, belch, hurdle, spend, hurdle.

object – helmet, woman, laundry basket (coincidence that woman and laundry basket are right next to each other?*), I Path shoes, hair dryer, deodorant stick, tricycle, 5-lb sack of organic flour, menorah.

*Tsaoism does not promote sexist, racist or other bigoted views.

verb – carouse, drill, slap, nextelling, to plea, push, bargain, hesitate, backflip.

noun – nazi, baby, fork, lice, envelope, bird, asylum, dry ice, stool (haha).

something you do on vacation – provoke the natives, drink booze, swim in the ocean, skeet the 5-hole, sleep with Barbara, drink booze, explore uncharted areas, spend too much money on Mexican woodcarvings that don’t look as good as I remember, peel.

celebrity – Dr. Phil McGraw, Miley Cyrus, Beyonce, Gary Coleman, Barbara (Streisand?), Boy George, Sanjaya, Benny Hill, GSP (Avery, I don’t know you, but I can tell we are going to be best of palls).

hand sized noun – baby platypus, potato, toaster strudel, “Black Dick Ho” dvd (hahahaha, I pray you still own that), credit card, Rubix Cube, sponge, under-ripe heirloom tomato, martini glass.

noun + smaller part of 1^st noun (ie. Tree + leaves) – woman 25 years old + emotional baggage (He’s single ladies! Hahaha), condom wrapper, tong, shirt + cuffs, necklace + bead, raft + bow, book + chapters, load bearing wall + concrete masonry block, waterfall + droplet.

afternoon activity – digging graves, biking, napping, smoking cigs, swimming, folf (once you go enviro…you have to learn to play), baking cupcakes, spill coffee, fly a kite.

mourning routine – RU-486+Vodka+Chaser (first I had to look up what the RU-486 was, then I laughed until it was hard to breath), shit+shower+shave, coffee consumption, pushups, breakfast eating, go to Starbucks, scramble eggs, wash yesterdays shirt in the sink, press snooze 3 times.

verb ending in ing – lactating, killing, sweeping, Nick Nolting, sauntering, stomping, clubbing, scraping, scuba diving.

animal – man-bear-pig, cat, elephant, toucan, giraffe, meerkat, baby seal, cormorant, rhino.

child’s birthday gift – trip to Neverland Ranch, train set, Barbie, teething ring, lite bright, harmonica, hotwheels, trip to Disneyland, rattle.

adjective – soggy, huge, green, tweakenest, petite, hideous, clumsy, pitted, sleek.

two objects that would collide – beer bottles and train, car and pedestrian, planets and meteors, Brittany Spears and Nelson Mandela, Mama Bird and window, pinball and plunger, runway models, albatross and a jet engine (haha), racket and ball.

noun – vase, tree, pillow, dome, booty-licious blowup doll with 3 holes, carpet, gaggle, solenoid valve, vase.

fluid found in a jar – gypsy tears, mayo, conditioner, liquid tiger balm, vasaline, Beefamato, vodka, formalin, pickle juice.

mode of transportation – pogo stick, running, rollerblading, hoopty, segway, snowskate, jetpack, the trunk of a car (What’s black and blue and hates sex? The kid in the back of Shane’s car), feet.

verb – hemorrhaging, jumping, speaking, finalizing, squat, skipping, fortify, refrigerate, ski.

drinking activity – throwing bottles at trains, making out, pouring booze in your pants (how thoughtful pooks), barefoot can crushing, falling down, caps, chugging, cry in a closet, beer pong (she only said this because she doesn’t know about caps yet).

verb ending in ing – milking, typing, golfing, moonwalking, vomiting, copulating, recruiting, welding, sticking.

emotion – shame, crying, sad, PMSing, mourning (you didn’t pick sad?!?!), sad, ambivalence, guilt, ecstasy.

something you would do at a nascar event – kill myself, raciest (are you saying you would be racist at this event?), drink bud light, drink with a hutterite, cry, hate black people, hold a Joe-Dirt look-alike contest, sit spider-style on my cousin in an SUV(HAHAHA), yawn.

something you would do at a family reunion - have sex with my cousin, fuck sarah (HAHAHA), laugh, hide from my aunt Marion, be verbally abused by my adopted family, play horseshoes, sit spider-style on my cousin in an SUV(HAHAHAHA), eat.

Here is the Gold:

i love sitting in a chair behind you while you work at the RECIPROCATING BONE SAW

while you type i can kiss the back of your neck

at first i'll just lightly rub your clit

then when you start getting really COLD AND DRY WITH THE DISTINCT SMELL OF DOUGLAS FIR

i'll put in just a little bit of my finger

and with my HAMHOCKS i'll keep rubbing your clit

slowly going deeper and deeper with my finger

my other hand will have SUCKER PUNCHED your bra by this point

then i can play with your nipples as i put in a second finger

after two fingers you’ll get up and turn around and DUMP (this one had so many good answers)

i keep my hips back at first so that you can't get too deep at first

just the tip

both of my hands on your lower back i pull you close and go a little deeper

no, not all the way

i want to kiss your MENORAH a bit now

still just moving very slowly and deliberately

you rock forward and back

each time i NEXTEL my hips ever so slightly forward

giving you more and more STOOL

you reach back and put your hands on the desk behind you so i can SPEND TOO MUCH MONEY ON MEXICAN WOODCARVING THAT DON’T LOOK AS GOOD AS I REMEMBER

arching your back

now i give you as much as GARY COLEMAN (I also liked Boy George) can

deep as i can get

but still very slow

i grab one “BLACK DICK HO” DVD in each hand and lift you up onto the desk

pushing the computer aside so that you can lie back and arch up

i grab your 25 YEAR OLD WOMAN and put her EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE up by my neck

squeezing each nipple and kissing you so hard it would hurt if you weren't thinking about how i'm SMOKIN CIGS

now i'm starting to really speed it up

my tight stomach is smacking the back of your legs as i GIVE YOU AN RU-486, VODKA AND A CHASER

then i drop one of you legs down and keep the other up

i'm so deep that my pelvic bone is STOMPING into yours

i must have you MAN-BEAR-PIG style now

at first i have my hands on your hips

giving you A TRIP TO NEVERLAND RANCH as i start to glow from the heat

i'm getting HIDEOUS as your tight ass smacks my hips

my ALBATROSSES are bouncing off your JET ENGINE as i pick up the pace even more

i pull you back up to my stomach so i can lightly bite your neck

i grab you hair and turn your head around for another smashing BOOTYLICIOUS BLOWUP DOLL WITH 3 HOLES

then i slow down a little

drag my fingernails down your back

leaving light trails of MAYO as i pull back out of you

i can't take it any more and POGOSTICK you over to the couch

race to get on top of you and HEMORRHAGE into you

it's so wet

so much heat

i POUR BOOZE IN YOUR PANTS (also really liked cry in a closet) with everything i've got

your pussy is VOMITING as i start to break a full sweat

we are face to face and all we see is SHAME

i'm about to KILL MYSELF

as you let out a final scream i SIT SPIDER-STYLE WITH MY COUSIN IN AN SUV and cum

Let's Get Together

I think it is time to have some fun with blogging. Every time I write a blog it is the same: Me writing my thoughts or memories down, you reading the blog and then making (or not) comments about my writing. I think it is time we get interactive. I’ve written up a generic online cyber-sex chat then pulled out a lot of the words or phrases that are critical to its final meaning. Then I wrote a list of the type of words or phrases that would fit grammatically into those spots. Now I need you to give me the words to put back into those spots. Yes I’m talking about doing a blogger Madlib (Tsaolib in this case).

Here are a couple things to note when doing this:

-This is already a sexlib, adding words that you would normally find on any given porn site will NOT add to the humor of this project. If you put “finger your ass” for “a thing you do in the morning”, the final result may be “I want to finger your ass while I bite your nipples." Not funny. Just true. (Butt seriously...I will do that)

-Be creative. Take some time to give quality answers instead of just the wildest thing you can think of. It will pay off in the long run.

-Get these back to me in a timely manner. Simplest way to do this is to copy the list below, put it in Microsoft Word, fill in your “answers” and then email it to me or post it in the comments (Posting in the comments will be the preferred method. It will allow all of my readers to have a laugh about the different combinations that come up).

I will be posting the best entry (or combination there of) in a post later this week.

Happy Tsaolibbing!

Fill in the following:

electronic device –

word(s) to describe climate –

animal part –

action –

action –

object –

verb –

noun –

something you do on vacation –

celebrity –

hand sized noun –

noun + smaller part of 1^st noun (ie. Tree + leaves) –

afternoon activity –

mourning routine –

verb ending in ing –

animal –

child’s birthday gift –

adjective –

two objects that would collide –

noun –

fluid found in a jar –

mode of transportation –

verb –

drinking activity –

verb ending in ing –

emotion –

something you would do at a nascar event –

something you would do at a family reunion –

Evel Knievel Daze

I was halfway into writing about some belief system that would help my disciples (read: readers) model their behaviors for continued life learning, but I think it is time for a story from days past.

I had rolled into Butte for some fine Evel drinking shenanigans. As with most of my more entertaining stories, it started with a sack-o-wine. PIC and I hopped on his longboard for a quick doubles run down the path. For those that don't know, a doubles run is where two incredibly straight males ride one longboard at the same time. Sort of like Ace and Gary without the cool superhero costumes. During the ride we would take turns giving each other wine shots. This stunt requires incredible balance, or it simply is not possible to get blackout drunk. After stopping at a bon-fire by tech for some 15' wine shots and some drinking songs, we continue down granite street and over to the silver dollar. As my English co-worker would say, by this point we were "MAJESTIC" (read: HOUSED). I think we decided to go to the Vu after the coin, but by the time we got there it was closed. Off to the caps house for more drinking and some bottle cap sliding. It was then that I took some time out my busy booze schedule to run upstairs, bust in on Tom and Aryn mid-coitus or mid-sleep and cheer for Levi Leipheimer at the top of my lungs (with a "GO LEVI" sign and all).

Clearly I was still sober:


It must have been around 4am when we decided that we were all plenty sauced. I got a ride back to a girls house where she invited me to bed and we proceeded to have some fine spoon sex. I'm sure there was other sex, but my memory at that point was pretty unimpressive.

Woke up after what felt like 1/3 the amount of sleep I should have had, and enjoyed a quick hangover-hump. Always a good way to start a day when your head feels like somebody kicked it with a steel-toed shoe and your mouth tastes like the shit-in-your-mouth-when-you-are-asleep troll payed you a nighttime visit.

The next day was over 38 degrees C (100+ F) and full of motorcycles, booze and weed. Pretty good time, but nothing too crazy.

That night (again at the coin) we were having a less than blackout time and decided we need to sent a picture to Qotlom. Qotlom is a drinking/makeout partner of mine that has a propensity towards pouring booze down my pants, so we took a picture of PIC "pouring" a beer down my pants. The only thing was, it was an empty can. Then out of nowhere a butte friend (female we will call BF) came crashing through the crowd in butte-drunk fashion and actually poors a beer down my pants (Oh Qotlom, it would have made you proud).

BF was then willing to makeout with this guy:


The group makes a consensus to again go to the Vu. BF, two other girls and I start walking our way there when I see this:

BARON DeHIRCH LODGE, NO. 420.

"Hey BF, get down in that stairwell! We're makin out down there!" (see stairwell doing down next to main entrance) It wasn't but 10 seconds of tongue wrestling before she made a mad dash for my belt. Being the Tsaoist that I am, I reached up her skirt and pulled her panties to the side and got to work. Her back against the door and leg up on the banister. DAMN it was hot.

Not really sure how long that lasted, but in the middle of the festivities a couple comes walking down the sidewalk right next to us. My back was to the street and didn't see it, but BF started to giggle. Without pulling out I look behind me and the couple says "Don't worry, we've done that before". Hahaha! Oh butte, how I love you.

Couple more pumps and I'm ready to erupt. In a slick maneuver that I hadn't performed before, I pull out and skeet her 5 hole. I didn't confirm the shot, but I'm 95% sure I hit the door. I didn't know it at the time, but this was the basement door to Butte's sole Jewish synagogue. I sure hope god's "chosen people" aren't right, because that will be the definition of awkward explaining that one post-life.

We cum up out of the stairwell and proceed with out Vu-based travels. Made it about 1.5 blocks before I had her leg up again and her back against some dilapidated garage. The type that can only be found in uptown Butte. That didn't last long.

BF: Is that guy looking at us?

I look across the street where she is looking. Sure as shit there is a guy with just his head sticking out of his screen door. Drinking. It. In.

Me: Hmmm...I guess we should wonder someplace else.

We head another block and a half for some more mutual pleasure. It was really some top notch public romping. We were both sated and decided we should finally make it over to the Vu.

As it stood, we had been at it a little longer than originally predicted and the Vu was totally closed up. We really didn't have much else to do so we bid each other farewell and like any good Tsaoist would, we enjoyed our time together and went out separate ways.

Back To Ninja College

"Jiu-jitsu is a very, very different way of looking at conflict," Mamet explains. "The essence of jiu-jitsu is, Don't oppose force to force. Learn to conquer yourself. Do away with your anger, which can only hurt you in a confrontation. Don't take on the other guy's weight. Someone wants to call you names, so what? Somebody wants to hurt you? OK, so what? If you clear your mind, you can actually see what's being done to you, what the other person's intent is, and instead of opposing, you can end the confrontation by leaving or by subduing the other person. You don't have to expend your force but, nonetheless, by understanding, by gaining a superior position, you can prevail in a conflict. It really does help me everywhere." ~David Mamet

Tsaoism shares similar beliefs. The energy people use opposing the various forces in their lives is incredible. From butting heads with a boss to fighting against a potential presidential candidate, this is simply energy wasted. I see it every day that I go to work. Somebody gets done with a 9 to 10 hour workday, and they go home to take a nap because they "are exhausted". Exhausted from sitting in a chair. This wouldn't make much sense unless you take into account the amount of mental energy that people expend in a day. These people (read: engineers I sit adjacent to) will complain from 7:30am until 5:30pm about the "stresses of work", "the work they shouldn't have to do" to their "asshole superior that won't them expense this-or-that". What they rarely consider is the tremendous amount of energy that this takes from their energy bank. It is very taxing on your mind, but not at all taxing on your body (and we wonder why we have a weight problem in this country).

There is an old adage that I would like to modify to be more applicable to Tsaoist beliefs:
"____(enter your name here), be intelligent enough to recognize the things I cannot change, the sesability to change the things I can and ought, and the wisdom to know the difference." I would like to point out that I realize the irony of me modifying the serenity prayer (Alcoholics Anonymous's bread and butter saying) while I'm drinking and blogging in a hotel room by myself.

I see so many people wasting their lives (daily mental energy) bitching about and trying to change things that aren't within their scope of control. This is where I think people need to go back to the Tsaoist roots: Let it go. Stop holding onto what you think is "correct"/"wrong". Learn what "is"/"isn't" in your scope of control. No longer will you be wasting energy opposing mental forces. We must learn to use the force and only redirect it as done in BJJ (Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, not blow job job).

The long and short of this is simple: Put things in a positive light so that you don’t waste your daily energy getting worked up over stupid shit like some overgrown roid-raging pre-safety from the Bitterroot Blaze. Instead, put that energy to good use and get some exercise. I choose to dress up like a ninja, choke people and bend their arms. It is a blast. Last night I went 2-1 (won by head-and-arm, lost by neck-crank, won by omaplata).

Let's Make Some Lemonade

Today’s hype is “Going Green”. I think this is great. Reduce, Reuse, Recycle. How could you be against it, unless you are a selfish bastard? Who doesn’t have the time in their life to make a few simple changes? Whether that is changing out some light bulbs, carrying a handful of groceries instead of getting a bag or using the human machine to get somewhere instead of that fine internal combustion machine, the result is reduced waste.

But…

I do have a problem with the hype though. It is being sold to us (like my beliefs that you are getting in my blog right now). GE will sell you a CFL (compact florescent light) and the whole time they will pat you on the back for the reduced carbon emissions that go along with your installation of that light. On the flip side of that coin they rarely mention the amount of mercury that we are dumping into the ground/water every time one of those burn out and we send it to the landfill (florescent lights will not work without a drop of mercury inside of the gas tube).

Car companies would love to get you into a brand new hybrid, or high gas mileage car. They seem to neglect the fact that adding cars to the market at a rate higher than that of cars being retired only perpetuates our carbon problem. This is a slam to the entire theory of the three R’s, unless it really stands for Rconsumer, Rconsume, Rprofit.

The hotels I’ve been staying in love to preach about the water that I can help save the world if I simply put the towel on the rack and reuse it the next day. We are doing our part to preserve the earth and invite you to help us conserve water by using your towels more than once. Each day millions of gallons of water are used to wash towels that are nearly clean. Please hang your towels up if you wish to participate in this water conservation program... if you choose not to participate, simply leave your towels on the floor. What they fail to point out is the harsh chemical detergents that are used for each wash (those towels HAVE to be nice and sparkly white for me). Why don’t they put some of the Go Green responsibility back on themselves and spend a little more for the enviro-friendly detergents? Simple. Going Green with that method doesn’t increase that branch manager’s bottom line. He gots to get payed!

For the record: I do hang my towels on the rack and I don't even own a house, much less the lights within that house I don't own. I think that helps balance out my 15 miles to the gallon race car.

Now it may sound like I think these earth-friendly gestures are not good, and that couldn’t be further from the truth. I simply have an issue with how businesses (people at the top, not the entity of business), instead of accepting the responsibility personally, they pass it down to the low man on the totem pole (read: consumer). They point out our earth-friendly deficiencies and then sell us the “solution”.

For these companies to realize their yearly profit goals, I realize that they can’t do everything earth friendly. If they take the “high road” and follow the 3 R’s approach to business, the next company in line would gladly fill the void they left and take every single one of their customers. Well…except those 15 people in Missoula that are at the brewery drunk-ranting about how they are “buying from a company that isn’t raping the earth, maaannn”. With that in mind I don’t think we are going to guilt these companies into being earth conscious.

Sadly one of the only ways to reduce carbon (for our country) is to strain the economy with pressure on big businesses in the form of governmental restrictions on waste/emissions and monetary penalties for noncompliance. Large manufacturing companies (including the ones I work for) produce, by comparison, far more waste than the end user. Primarily, this is in the form of energy consumption (I make this claim after selling the electrical gear for residential, commercial and industrial applications. This puts a huge metaphorical wrench in the gears of one of our other beloved liberal agenda groups though (those silly goofs trying to keep jobs in The America), as this sends jobs overseas where the restrictions and fines don’t yet exist. They can produce whatever they want at a fraction of the cost, not only because of the lower energy costs and manpower cost, but because there is virtually zero cost associated with NOT cleaning up your industrial waste.

In my eyes there is only one viable solution that our country ought to pursue. Stop spending billions on other countries (I’m looking at you Iraq) and focus that money on education in our own country. More specifically, put an increased focus on math and science and subsidize college tuition. Do everything in our power to create a highly educated society, not for us, but for the future of our country (and planet I guess). To design a method that would lower emissions from a coal fed power generation plant, you must have the chemical background to understand what the hell is even going on in that process (true story for you: coal does not just magically turn into electricity) In order to redesign a wind turbine for increased efficiency, you must have the mechanical background to understand the materials and forces associated with it or the electrical background to understand Faraday’s law and how you can use it to increase efficiencies within the generator.

To really address the mess is to invest in our youth. No more running our mouths about how to make schools fair. Nothing in life is fair. You are given something and it is up to you as an adult to make the best of it and more importantly make the best of it for our youth. We need to stop being so short sighted for while (fuck! It’s going to be tough as [The] Americans) and really work on a long term solution.

That being said: Higher gas prices reduce carbon emissions. Yay for people making money on dead dinosaur plants! (I’m looking at you Ryan)

Sex Ed

If you have been reading this blog for a while, you may have started to wonder what my credentials are for putting the "S" Taoism (the "S" stands for sexual). You are probably thinking right now "I'm more sexually experienced and far better looking than Kevin. He hasn't even had himself a 3some yet". And while this may be true, I was given one life advantage that many of my older readers were never afforded. I had a personal computer and high speed internet since I was pretty young.

You probably don't think that my last point is terribly exciting. Due to the fact that you are reading my blog instead of waiting for a 84kb file to download to your electronic-mail, this pretty much qualifies you as a high speed internet user yourself. The main difference is based in timing. I got my high speed internet right at the convergence of my peak sexual curiosity and the internet's growth into its "anything will sell here" attitude. This coupled with my own computer in the safety of my own bedroom created a virtual Petri dish for the nastyvirus (or is that nasteria?) that is my desire to know all things dirty.

No longer was I using the emergency shut-down techniques of days past when I heard one of my parents coming down the stairs and I was balls deep into a serious jerk session. No more would I have to face the awkwardness of me and the UPS guy staring at each other after I foolishly thought I had a good 20 minutes to chill DIH over a lunch break. Now I was able to scan the depths of the filthiest smut that my adolescent brain could find free of outside disturbances.

It wasn't long before we (me, another person and this other dude) discovered the pure quantity of pornography that Hotline could afford our hungry souls. Soon we were distributing CDs of this high school gold out of our lockers to the poor sons-of-bitches that didn't have the luxuries me and my brother were afforded when we bought our iMac Special Editions on that fateful day.

Skip forward to 2000 and I've just landed myself in Butte and was getting accustomed to the place. Kids everywhere were pulling up their new favorite spank-bank sites and the "new" sick videos that they had found/taken off of the school network. Each one of them thinking they had discovered some sort of fountain of youth on the Dell that they spent half of their graduation money on (the other half was clearly spent on cheap weed and Busch Light. Hence that summer was FUCKING AWESOME!). What most of them didn't know was that they were sitting amongst an internet porn Dalai Lama.

I started to learn that while I was way behind on banging high school cheerleaders in the football locker room, I was WAY ahead on watching 30 year olds pretend to be cheerleaders and get gangbanged by dudes that would be thrown in the slammer if they even got close to a high school locker room (unless you count Jay Wall, he would have fit perfect in those movies). I started adding some real life interesting/strange sexual experiences onto my chalkboard of knowledge (that I will hopefully share with you on future blogs) and I decided that I should finally take it to the "streets" (read: blogspot).

Since then I have dedicated my life to the study (not to be confused with fromthestudy.wordpress.com) of understanding and implementing the letter "S" into an everyday life belief system (read: Tao).

Amen to Tsao...

Day In The Life Of A Validation Engineer

Work is typically pretty boring. There aren’t a lot of things that interest me on a personal level in my day to day duties.

Example: I’m writing an SOP (standard operating procedure) for the operation of a pure steam generator. Here is a sample. “Press the Auto key. If the chiller control calls for cooling and all safety interlocks are closed, the unit will start. The compressor(s) will load and unload in response to the temperature of the leaving chilled water temperature…”

But every once in a while I find a gem: “NPSH can be defined as the head that causes liquid to flow through the suction piping and finally enter the eye of the impeller”

I will be the first to admit that my mind is pretty much constantly in the gutter, but it doesn’t take much of an imagination to find that one funny.