Trippin...Road Style

All in all a strong weekend was had. Lots of good drinking mixed with a strong smoking undertone and a sexual bouquet of other pleasantries. Weekend highlight was the trip from the Lawyer’s sweet pad to Hooligans. Halfway through that walk we took a little bathroom break at the Crown Plaza 3^rd floor bathrooms next to all of the reception/celebration areas. To streamline this process we decided that 3/5 of us should use the dudes’ room, and 2/5 of us use the “with-ovaries” room.

Lawyer, Nurse and Mexican used the dudes’ and MBSE and I used the chicks’ room. Boy did I draw a lucky straw on that one! Those guys totally missed out on a badass handicap stall sexual showdown (luckily I never leave home without my pistol).

Being the sexual ninja that I am, I was able to survive her initial attempt to use super-human sucking powers to steal my man-weapon. From there I was able to jiu-jitsu my way to her back and use thrusts of rhythm and power to deplete her sexual energy levels. I knew I was close to defeating her, and if it was anybody else I could have easily sunk in a choke for the finish. There was only one problem; my hands were completely occupied with the task of controlling her machine-gun jubblies. Typically this wouldn’t be a problem given the average size of mammary machine gunnery, but I was dealing with two .50 caliber barrels of life ending force. I had no choice. I needed to finish her or fall defeated. So I bit her. …right above the shoulder blade. She let out a scream and I knew that it was do or die time. I quickly spun her around while she was still in her depleted state and gave her the option to take the Kirk Cobain route or I would finish her off myself. She put the barrel in her mouth and, without a single blink of the eye, pulled the trigger.

If I had an instructor, I’m sure he would have promoted me to blue-belt.

The rest of the night was a pretty damn good time. Lots of booze and shenanigans at Hoolies, mixed in with the people that I try to steer clear of. Yep, I’m talking about Bryan “Uncle Sam” Blanco and Ryal’s girl.

Ryal’s girl did the standard attempt to jump my bones regardless of the fact that I was drooling over my delightfully hot and baggage free girl all night. Don’t worry though; someday I’ll be drunk/bored enough to get myself in trouble with that mom.

Bryan did his standard hyena performance: MBSE and I were trying to get the Mexican to feel her cans, and then from out of left field Bryan comes in for his free groping. This has nothing to do with me caring that he is grabbing her boobs. We got a lot of people to touch them that night. It’s just that he was way too close to my hater-free zone. I realize that this is very un-Tsao of me to hold some of these grudges, and I should take some time to let go. I have issues with the Gov. I don’t like blind obedience. What can I say?

I’ll now wrap this all up with an old joke that I just made up: What’s the difference between a US soldier and a date-rapist? The US soldier…is…well, he can…ummm…it’s just that the soldier will…I quit, I have no idea what the difference is.

Collectors

I have a friend. We won't use any names, but this friend is a she...in London...and I'm not calling Ryan a girl. She is what I call an emotional collector. Someone that desires to be the focal point of men's casual and sexual thoughts. The type of person that loves to be adored as if she were a princess, and sadly she gets this adoration.

I'm not saying that wanting to be showered in affection is wrong, it's just that it leads to a lot of selfish desires. Because once you get what you want without having to work for it long enough, it becomes the routine and in turn becomes expected. Tsao is now going to adopt some remarks from a good man named Gandhi that I feel are applicable to this behavior.

When Arun Gandhi last saw his famous grandfather, the old man gave the boy a piece of paper with this list of mistakes that lead to violence:

* Wealth without work
* Pleasure without conscience
* Knowledge without character
* Commerce without morality
* Science without humanity
* Worship without sacrifice
* Politics without principle

I feel that this can be applied on a micro-sized life level as well: *adoration without empathy.

Once you are a collector of people's attention and adoration, the seed of jealousy and anger is planted. No more will you be able to enjoy the company of other sexy females, as they are now in the "competition" category. They are just somebody that stealing the spotlight of affection from your stage.

Bottom line: If you want somebodies attention, you can go about it many different ways. I highly suggest you take the Tsao road and earn it...just like the other girls...send out nude pics.




...and no baby bird, I will not get you a glass of water.

Mr. Roboto

I think I just had a 13^th Floor moment.

My computer and I are living the exact same work life. Let me see if I can break it down without sounding too geeky.

Clearly, I am the processor. Every bit of information from an I/O (colleague, boss, client, etc) must be directed through me for routing purposes. My maximum number of simultaneous tasks is limited by the speed at which I can work.

The filing cabinets and the reference binders are my hard drive. It is my storage capacity for any file or other info that I will need to call upon or reference. Once the binders are full and the filing cabinet can hold no more, they must buy more storage space.

My desk is my RAM. It is the limiting factor of how many tasks I can have open at any given time (blog, QC monitoring panel, Pharmadule validation project and breakfast at the current moment). Less RAM (read: desk space) would make me as worthless as an Apple LC II, as it would mean that I would have to shut down some of these processes. Let me point out that there isn’t a chance that I’m going to shut down the blogging or the biscuits and gravy. Also, adding a shit-ton of RAM wouldn’t benefit me much as well, due to the fact that my processor would be pegged at 100% long before full RAM usage.

There are a couple other silly me vs. CPU comparisons (ie. my pen acting as my printer and this Xyience can’t possibly be seen as anything other than my power cable), but it wasn’t until I was watching my CPU Usage History (CRTL+ALT+DEL) that I discovered I AM MY COMPUTER!

Here are a few graphs I’ve pulled from my comp throughout the day in emphasize similarities:

Figure 1

Sure looks a LOT like my brain activity while chatting with people on gmail. I’m not thinking about work a whole lot (8% I guess), but there are a couple times it spikes up. We can safely assume that longboarding, skiing or rafting just came up in conversation.

Figure 2

Chattin away and then that all too familiar sound comes tapping down the hallway: BOSSES FOOTSTEPS!

“Oooohhh Shit! Close chat, move excel window to the front, pick up a piece of paper and wipe that silly grin off your face Thullbery! It’s go time!”

Minute and a half later…

Kevin: boss just left, we can chat again

I think I’m going to go longboard tonight

PIC: they are sweeping the streets here already

Figure 3

This can only mean one thing. My phone vibrates, I open it up…

BICKETYBAM!

Sacred Is This Temple

In high school I heard a catholic say "Tattoos are a sin". She then proceeded to explain how our bodies are our temple, and god (Take that catholic schools! That's right...I'm beyond putting a capital "G" on your crutches name) sees a tattoo as "desecrating the temple". I didn't think about it at the time, but this person was very large. I mean really large. The type of large that pulls the buns off of a double Whopper and replaces it with Krispy Kreme donuts (bacon and double cheese).

How the fuck do these people get off thinking this garbage?

I don't know of many people whose "temple" gave out on them because of graffiti. I do know of a few whose demise was at the hands of heart disease though.

Perhaps she is thinking on a level that is higher than Tsao:

Step 1) Grow your temple to cathedral proportions.
Step 2) ?
Step 3) One way ticket "Home"

Hmmm...Seems like a waste of even an "interim life". I think I'll stick with Tsao.

Poor Structural Integrity

I like how Tsao is a belief system of change (Granted I made it up, so I ought to like it). A dynamic infrastructure of neuron synapses in a world of rigid dogma. When your mind is forced to change, bend and adapt, it becomes much better at that. It shares many similarities to muscles in this sense. A muscle that only does one thing repeatedly is only very good at doing that one task, while a muscle that is worked in a dynamic set of movements strengthens for a variety of tasks. Muscles that only use a portion of their intended range of motion become rigid and resistant to movements outside of their typical range. Our brains tend to follow a similar path.

This holds true for training our brains as well. Take any repetitive motion activity: I'll use pinball...as it is the preferred game of the Tsao gods. When you first start playing the game, you are a "natural" if you have a trigger tolerance of around a 1/4 second, but still the balls go blasting in every direction you could ever hope they wouldn't. You think you have it dialed in, only to watch it drop into the power plant bumpers then straight into the garbage. As you work at it more and more you learn timing, technique and above all muscle memory. After only a few drunken basement nights you'll have that dialed to the hundredth of a second and shouting things like "5 shots to Moe's then the Treehouse!", "Don't worry about that ball, the couch is empty, so the garage will open back up!", etc, etc, etc.

People never question me when it comes to getting better at pinball. I say "you'll get better with practice" and they believe me. But as soon as I tell people about my Tsao beliefs on anger and jealousy they say "But I'm not like that! I get angry and jealous." (or something like that). Behaviors are simply the brains "muscle memory" of a particular thought put into action.

"Pinball exercise" for your life: Watch how other people react to a situation. Evaluate whether or not they came across as a total ass clown or not. Look at how you handle similar situations. Are you that ass clown? Remember, nobody thinks they themselves are a jack-ass during an argument.

Think of how you want to act, then act that way. Too many people act then justify their behaviors as correct.

I've been looking at how I come across during potentially ninja situations, and whether or not I need to do a sit down and reformat that particular methodology.

(Editor's note: Right here is where I was going to put the video of me scaling the Bitterroot Inn's 3rd floor balcony, but on my first trial run I seemed to have pulled the railing out of the wall. No injuries, but I'm almost CERTAIN somebody owes me money. If not for the dangerous living environment, then at the very least for the lack of sweet hot tub. This is seriously killin my game...)

Sit Down, Have A Smoke And I'll Tell You About Lost Trail

Stoned, well rested and ready to type. Because as any lawyer worth his law school tuition will tell you, "after a hard days skiing, it is important to get at least 13 hours of sleep".

Side note: That is the ONLY type of lawyer with whom I will hang out.

Yesterday was sick to quite sick. It was the last part in a 3 part series of a slope style contest and rail jam, and Lost Trail has a BADASS park team. They keep four parks going. A bunny hill, kiddie, mid-sized and a huck your meat like a man park. They all change shape and form on a weekly basis and virtually all of the jumps/transitions are cut well. The rail jam got kickin at about 11am...the same time I finally made it up to the mountain and on my first lift.

I have no idea how good a single one of the kids is. I went directly to the cliffy/steep (montana) part of the mountain. I then rode close to 10" of untracked, shade protected, 25 degree, fish scale quality powder.

I brought my dugout and was enjoying the finer things in life about once a chair lift when I thought to myself:

Damn! I've already blown the chip on my pedometer after making a record setting number of turns in the nar pow pow, but I still have 3 laps I can make if I hustle my runs!

Slams a Moutain Dew

I should call K2 and tell them that they can rip up Seth Morrison's contract because of the sick set of 11s that I'm going to lay down Elk Ridge!

Shoots video with cell phone using the EXTREME technique of putting two poles in one hand:


I expect that shot will open the next Poor Boyz video.

I'm also really glad that I didn't break my phone like a jack-ass. That entire ridge is filled with 5-15 ft drops followed by a sick little pow runout.

I continued this all day. Every single run was first tracks. $31 lift ticket. Perfect bluebird skies.


I love Lost trail!


I also love when girls tell me where they want me to load.


That takes sex from its normal party status and adds a bit of video game factor to the mix. "Am I going to hit my target?! Will there be injuries?! How many extra lives do I get?!" There are so many fun and exciting places to blast those ropey jets of jizz. But my favorite place is the one that she requests. Here is a list of some of my favorite I want you to cum: "...on my ass", "...on my tits", "...on my face", "...in my mouth. I LOVE the taste of you!" and my favorite "...deep in my ass!". But never in the Squish Mitten! Homey don't play that!

MBSE told me that cums taste very different. That she really likes the taste of me and some guys have made her gag. We need to find out what causes this, and then make a pill that makes your man juice to taste good. We're sitting on a gold mine here. Think about it...every time your rocket is ready to launch, she will want her mouth to be the launch pad. Maybe I'm the only one that loves to watch a girl drink it in, but even if you don't, you've got to admit that clean-up is easier than 10-tee.

Investing In My Future

I've been saving some dollars for a while with two main objectives in mind: Start an investment and have some money for the "what if" scenario. For the investment part, I was thinking maybe put some money into the stock market. You know...let my money start working for me (or at least pay for the random female cable bills I've acquired). The "what if" scenario pretty much is a what if Kevin...

a) Finds out he isn't as good at drifting the Lost Trail pass as once anticipated.
b) Finds out that X-t's boyfriend tested out his new 8 iron on the windshield of the STi.
or
c) Finds out his employer knows about the copious amount of time spent blogging instead of system testing and is released into the market as a "free agent".

I did some soul searching and really milled it over on which path to take with this extra wad of money. It wasn't until I asked myself WWTD (what wouldn't Tsao do), that I was able to really align my life with this cash. I needed to let go...

So let go I did. I bought a fucking raft. Not just any Big Bear Sports raft either. I bought a Maravia New Wave 1. This boat is to rafting, what the Benz CL65 AMG is to cars. PIMP.

I bought the boat from Sunshine Sports in Billings because I used to work there and the owner is able to do special requests to the factory. All New Waves are blue...mine is going to be orange. New waves don't have inside D-rings or outside handles...mine will. W00t w00t!

My boat will look something like this.

I have no idea what that money could have been used for in the future, but I'll bet that it isn't as cool as a raft. Here is a little preview of things you should expect to see on this blog in the coming 5-6 months:

-Story of a boat full of naked people getting drunk
-Pictures of my boat (with and without naked people)
-Story of me picking up the boat in Boise and floating with my partner in crime
-A story(s) about the exceptional sex I've been having in my boat (Kevin crosses fingers)

I guess all I really need now is a sweet waterproof case that has some foam in it.



It's for my weed pipe.